


my wicked heart

by coffeeandcigarettesplease



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abuse, Aftercare, Angst, BDSM, Bondage, Christian guilt, Consensual Nonconsent, Consensual Sex, Cuddling, Cute, Dominant Kylo Ren, Exploration, F/M, Hair Pulling, Kink Shaming, Kinks, Kinky but fluffy, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Past Sexual Abuse, Power Dynamics, Praise Kink, Recreational Drug Use, Religion, Secret Relationship, Sex, Sex Work, Sheltered Rey, Spanking, Vaginal Spanking, Virgin Rey, Virginity, brothel, conflicting emotions, kink club, repressed sexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2019-09-19 17:24:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 34,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17005941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeandcigarettesplease/pseuds/coffeeandcigarettesplease
Summary: Rey is a sexually repressed virgin, part of a conservative sect called the Resistance that protests anything that goes against the morals of their group. Kylo Ren, owner of the First Order BDSM club and emotionally damaged Dom, is the latest target. Tasked with infiltrating and bringing him down from the inside, Rey begins to awaken sexually under Kylo’s guidance. Can she cling to her Christian morals or will Kylo Ren destroy her?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Riri19911](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riri19911/gifts).



> Hi guys! This fic was prompted to me by the lovely Riri19911 - eternally grateful for your inspiration and keen eye. 
> 
> I’m writing from a very personal place here. It’s not my intention to offend any other Christians or people of faith that might be reading. I hope I’ve handled this well and if not please feel free to let me know.

I.

 

_before you judge me take a look at you_

_can’t you find something better to do?_

_point the finger, slow to understand_

_arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand_

 

_*_

 

“That is _quite_ the sign.”

 

I glance up in surprise. The tall guy beside me is smirking, plump lips quirked up on one side as his eyes trace the words in fat block letters on my picket sign. “Stop Destroying the Sanctity of Marriage. Kind of a mouthful but no confusing that one.”

 

I blink at him, then blink at my sign, then back to him. There’s a moderately sized crowd on front of the former Urban Outfitters - a brick front facade with glass walls and doors that look into a big foyer styled in dark crimson and black. It looks innocuous, but I know that inside is something quite sinister. It’s like modern day Sodom and Gomorrah, come to our quaint city of Chandrila.

 

It’s a “Kink Club,” which means that inside the brick facade and glass doors, people have sex. Like dirty, anonymous sex, outside of marriage. With more than one person at a time! Just the thought makes my cheeks burn pink.

 

“Yes,” I mumble, edging away from him slightly. He doesn’t look like a crazy sex pervert, in jeans and a Sublime T-shirt under a gray hoodie, with shaggy hair in a shade that vaguely reminds me of melted chocolate. He’s handsome, though his nose is a bit long and his ears are pretty big despite the hair worn long to likely hide them. When he smiles, his white teeth are just the slightest bit crooked. Cute.

 

But I’m not here to pick up strangers, of course. I’m here as part of the Resistance, protesting the opening of a disgusting, filthy sex club in the heart of our previously respectable and upstanding city. Also, I wouldn’t pick up strangers anyway. Thats just.. not what good girls do.

 

“So like, you’re morally against this place?”

 

I frown up at him. He’s quite tall, blocking out the late spring sunshine and casting a dark shadow over me. “Yes, obviously. I mean... my sign...” Finn and Poe and Jessika all have them too, but we spread out in the crowd to make sure we were all visible. In case the news cameras came, which they would, if we had more people on our side opposing this den of sin.

 

“It’s just,” the stranger says, pursing his lips and stroking his chin thoughtfully. Why is he talking to me? Shouldn’t he be engaging Finn or Poe, who are much more vocal - I can hear Finn’s deep voice shouting across the way right now - and _men_ , like him? “What’s there to oppose? Consenting adults taking pleasure in each other?”

 

“S-sex,” I stutter over the word, “is supposed to be between a man and wife. Not... it’s for... to make babies.” My face feels ten degrees hotter now and I fight the urge to flee as fast and far as my feet can carry me.

 

“Oh, come on. That’s so... Old Testament.” He chuckles and I start glancing around for an escape route. “Who are these people hurting, anyway?”

 

“The - the women and - children walk by here,” I add intelligently. For some reason, all of my arguments are falling out of my brain, my careful and well-thought reasons about moral corruption and the fabric of society, the destruction of monogamy and the sinful nature of pleasure just for pleasure’s sake. “It’s improper and - divorce is rampant...”

 

“Well, no one is getting divorced because of the First Order. And I doubt anything improper will be happening in front of children.” His smirk, the playful look in his dark eyes, is annoying. He’s making fun of me. My heart clenches in my chest and I tighten my grip around the handle of my picket sign.

 

“I happen to think that sex outside of marriage is part of the moral corruption in our country. This place - it’s _infected_ with sin! There’s so many problems in our community that could be solved if only people started acting righteously. Instead we’re all on our way to hell because - because of these consequence ignoring, Godless heathens!” I’m flushed and panting by the time I finish my rant, and he’s staring at me as though I’ve grown an extra head. “So, excuse me. For caring about the salvation of our souls.”

 

“That was insane. You really believe that?” The tall stranger isn’t smirking anymore. I puff up my chest and nod resolutely at him. “You really think that grown adults taking pleasure in each other’s bodies, is what’s going to send us to hell?”

 

“And the abortions,” I snap.

 

“You should really educate yourself. You are -“ He chuckles and shakes his head. “So far off the mark of what this is about.”

 

“Maybe _you_ should,” I snap. I feel a hand curl around my shoulder and flinch to find Poe Dameron glaring daggers as he hugs me possessively - protectively - into his side.

 

“This guy bothering you, Rey?” he asks.

 

“Just a friendly discussion,” the guy says. His gaze flicks down to me, dark eyes intense as they meet mine. I try not to shrink under his penetrating stare. “You should come in sometime. I’ll show you a way to be closer to God.” He winks - _winks_ \- my breath catches sharply in my chest - before nodding at us both and slinking off towards the building.

 

“What was that? You ok, Rey?” Poe asks, I feel his nose in my hair and want to pull away. I’m shaken, but not in a way I expected.

 

Something clenches between my legs like a hot vice.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

Later that night, we’re all back at mine and Finn’s apartment, sitting around the coffee table with a few cartons of Chinese and plates half eaten, when Poe says, “We need to be doing more.”

 

“Like pipe bombs?” Jess asks with wide eyes and unbridled excitement.

 

“No, Jess.” Poe sighs in exasperation. That’s her go-to suggestion whenever we have these kind of debates. She’s sort of unhinged but Finn claims her passion is _good_ thing, when her blood lust is reigned in. “Like... ok, this is kind of crazy. But Kylo Ren was talking to Rey today -“

 

“That was Kylo Ren?” I exclaim, shocked. The nosy stranger was the owner of the brothel/kink club, which hosts something called “dungeon parties,” as well as offers “play scenes,” and cost upwards of three hundred dollars per session. Sometimes more - at least that’s what we’ve discovered on the website. Which I did not linger over, instead focusing on dishing out dinner and making sure everyone had refills and napkins and enough to eat.

 

There were pictures and videos and - I didn’t want to lose my appetite.

 

“The one and only,” Poe nods with a hollow, tight smile. “And he invited you inside. I think we need to infiltrate.”

 

“Take them down from the inside,” Rose murmurs beside me on the old sofa. She wasn’t at the protest today because she and her sister run a bodega - they inherited it from their parents - and couldn’t get off work. “That could work.”

 

“You should’ve seen the way he was looking at her,” Poe adds quickly. “Like a piece of meat.”

 

“She _is_ a whole snack,” Finn says, nudging me with an elbow. I blush and roll my eyes.

 

“I don’t know. What if - what if he wants to like -“ I break off because I don’t even know what kind of Godless acts he could try to persuade me into. “Do _things_... to me.” My ears feel hot and I can’t meet anyone else’s gaze.

 

“Well, just tell him no, duh.” Rose giggles, her face scrunching up in amusement. “I mean, God will protect you, Rey. And if something does happen - well, we’ll get to bring them down even faster.”

 

“That’s the spirit,” Poe says with a chuckle.

 

They want me to be the sacrificial lamb, offering myself up to the devil himself. But how can I say no? Even though I really don’t think Kylo Ren was looking at me in any special sort of way - until the end, when he kind of looked like he thought I’d recently escaped a psych ward - and I’m by far the least experienced of our whole group. But I feel the pressure weighing heavily on me, the expectation like a weighted quilt over my shoulders.

 

“Do it, Rey. Come on.” Poe squeezes my knee, and I fight the urge to startle at his easy affection.

 

“Ok,” I say quietly. “I’ll do it.”

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

That night, I wake from a dream with a delicious, wet heat that throbs between my legs. I moan quietly, face in my pillow so Finn can’t hear through the wall. My skin is sweat-damp and my hair sticks to my face as I rub my thighs together, the sensation brand new and overwhelming. I’ve never felt anything near this before.

 

All I can remember from the dream that inspired all of it is the stranger from today, Kylo Ren, smirking over me and whispering as he squeezed my knee, “Do it, Rey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “Holier Than Thou,” by Metallica


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks SO MUCH to Riri for her suggestions and encouragement, for looking over everything and being the sweetest. 
> 
> *Leia is not part of the Resistance, for those of you wondering. But she’ll say wassup here in a few chapters.

II.

 

 

 _Come_ _out_ _Virginia_ , _don’t_ _let_ ‘ _em_ _wait_

 _You_ _catholic_ _girls_ _start_ _much_ _too_ _late_

 _Aw_ _but_ _sooner_ _or_ _later_ _it_ _comes_ _down_ _to_ _faith_

 _Oh_ _I_ _might_ _as_ _well_ _be_ _the_ _one_

 

 

*

 

 

 

I wake up in the worst mood the next day. My inbox has about fifteen messages from Poe, ranging from asking what Finn and I are up to at midnight (sleeping, you walnut), to telling me to dress up for my “appointment” with Kylo Ren. Which is silly, because I don’t own any fancy clothes, or anything that would make me look like a “ _hot_ _bitch_ ,” to use Poe’s obscene words.

 

I glare at my clothes hanging in the closet and yank a deep green sweater and my shortest denim skirt off of hangers. The skirt still hits at my knees, but hugs my thighs and bottom, and the sweater I think brings out my eyes. I’m not sure why it matters - I’m not sure what’s going to happen when I get in there, but certainly looking like a tart isn’t a good thing. But I follow Poe’s demands because I don’t know what else to do.

 

In the kitchen, Finn is bopping around to the radio while eggs and bacon sizzle in a pan. I flop down at the table and shoot a glare at his back. I still don’t know why I’m the one being put up for slaughter here.

 

Probably because I’m a girl. Girls always get the cruddy end of things in the Bible. Look at Eve. It wasn’t even her fault she ate from the Tree of Knowledge. Adam didn’t even think to warn her.

 

“So I got your shift covered,” Finn says as he spins around to slide a plate in front of me. Despite the knots my stomach is twisting into, I’m always hungry, so I pick up a fork and dig in.

 

“Thanks,” I grumble around a big bite of eggs.

 

“And I want you to call me if that big creep so much as lays a finger on you,” he says, pointing the spatula at me. “I mean it, Rey. I know Poe’s judgement is clouded by... some strange, misplaced desire to see the world rid of filth. But... just, don’t be scared. To say no.”

 

That’s actually quite touching. I feel my tense muscles loosen a bit. “Thanks, Finn.”

 

“No problem, Peanut. Someone has to look out for the virgin sacrifice.” He cackles while I blush.

 

My foster family was part of a big evangelical church - the kind that preaches about how everything is sinful, the importance of keeping pure for your future husband, how women should always dress modestly and never cut their hair. Families are encouraged to have as many children as possible, as many as God can bless them with. To “fill their quiver” and fight for Christianity and our principles. And even though at the time, it seemed like a load of crap - I was a young orphan, rebellious and filled with hate because of my unfortunate fate - I also had a very strong desire to belong. To be part of something. To be part of a family.

 

I started paying attention in sermons. I wore the ugly clothes my foster mother provided. I stopped cutting my hair and started wearing it neatly pulled back, in three tight buns that hid the length because it was my “crown” and a sight reserved for my future husband, just like my virginity. I gave up caffeine and started listening to Christian rock. It felt so easy, like falling into place, settling down, submitting to God and my pastor and my foster parents.

 

Now, I’m almost twenty one. I live with a man who isn’t a romantic partner, I rarely go to church, and I haven’t spoken to my fosters since they kicked me out on my eighteenth birthday. All I have left are my beliefs. Maybe thats why I cling to them so tightly.

 

We finish up breakfast, discussing another protest Poe has lined up at Planned Parenthood later this week, our jobs at Maz’s Castle, a used book shop and coffee house that hosts all kinds of poetry readings and local music. It’s not going to make us rich, but we pay the bills and enjoy what we do. It’s enough for me.

 

After I brush my teeth and slick on some tinted chapstick (make up is sinful, like tattoos), I’m grabbing my jacket and purse. Finn locks up behind us. We reach the sidewalk and have to split up in different directions.

 

“Good luck,” Finn says. He nabs me close for a quick hug, and I smile.

 

“Thanks.” I sense I’ll need it.

 

I take the bus across town, sitting tight against the window as we ride along the main streets in bustling traffic. Green buds are popping up on the naked branches of the old trees that line the streets. Kids are starting to reappear in previously abandoned play grounds, splashing through rain puddles and screaming with happiness. I lean my forehead on the glass and try to remember feeling that free, that excited. I find that I can’t.

 

I get off and walk two streets over to the First Order. I was worried it wouldn’t be open, but I see a tall blonde with a phone to her ear pacing around inside. I take a deep breath - I can do this - before crossing the concrete to pull open one of the heavy glass doors.

 

“I don’t _fucking_ care, Armitage,” she snarls into her phone, “if you are on your death bed. You have a twelve o’clock and you’d better fucking be here. Do I make myself clear?”

 

I wait patiently, shifting from foot to foot, for her rant to end. When she disconnects, she slides a hand down her blouse and takes a deep breath. “Sorry about that. Men are so useless, aren’t they?”

 

“Um.” Not sure how to respond, I wring my hands nervously. “Well, I’m - I’m here to see Kylo Ren.”

 

“Your first session?” The woman smiles kindly. “No need to look so nervous. I’m sure he’ll go easy on you.” She briskly strides around the long counter, heels clicking on the dark hardwood, sliding into a computer chair to type at her desktop. “Hm, he doesn’t have any appointments this morning. Did you book online? Sometimes the website is all wonky.”

 

“No, actually,” I reply softly. I could never afford to pay for a session, surely. Did he invite me as a client? Would be expect me to pay? I feel perspiration beading my hairline and above my lip. “He-he invited me. To come here.”

 

The blonde woman eyes me warily. “Oh, another one of Ren’s useless little sheep. Of course. Let me ring him, we’ll see if he even remembers you,” she adds. Her lips are no longer smiling kindly, with understanding. More like curled in distaste. She picks up the handle and presses a few buttons, looking annoyed.

 

I think I’d like the floor to open up and swallow me now, but no such luck.

 

“Yes, Ren. There’s a girl here for you. No, not an appointment... well, she’s kind of a mousy little thing. Not your usual type.” She listens to him on the other end and I blush at her casual description. “Kind of churchy, sure.” She listens again then covers the mouth piece. “You’re a Resistance girl? Bold of you to show up here. Surprised your little cult didn’t disown you.”

 

“They - they don’t know I came.” I’m a bad liar so I just stare at my hands splayed on the shiny counter and hope I look contrite or embarrassed. Whatever she sees in me, she must believe, because she informs Kylo Ren that she’ll send me back.

 

“Surprise, he does seem to recall you. Kylo always has a thing for conflict, you know. Makes it more exciting.” The blonde smiles tightly then stands. “I’m Phasma, by the way. Follow me.”

 

She leads me down a long hallway. There are rooms off one side, a wall of artwork on the other. Everything seems deeply sexual, despite being abstract. Just colors and energy and it’s still making me blush. I feel so naïve and ridiculous in my “churchy” clothes. At the end of the hall, Phasma pushes open a door that leads into a big room. A desk on one side, where Kylo sits in a wing back chair, hunched over a laptop. The other side of the room is portioned off with a thick black curtain that hangs on a rod that bisects the room. I wonder curiously at what’s on the other side - I probably do not want to know.

 

“Have fun,” Phasma says before swinging the door shut sharply behind her.

 

“Hi,” I say softly. Shy.

 

“Hi. Sit.” He points at the chair across from him without looking up from his computer. I hasten to comply. He looks different today, in a dark wool sweater with his hair messy like he’s being pulling on it. Or someone else has. I glance down at my scuffed Keds, embarrassed at my wicked thoughts.

 

The silence hangs over us. I don’t know what to do. I take in the shelves in matching dark wood to his desk, packed with books and framed photographs. There’s a thick rug over the hardwood. A little mantle clock ticks the seconds loudly behind him.

 

“So.” He finally looks up at me, shutting the computer. “Rey, right?”

 

“Yes, sir.” I nod. His eyes narrow at me.

 

“What can I do for you, Rey?” He sounds... bored. Completely different than the man that approached me yesterday. I frown, confused.

 

“You told me... that I don’t know anything,” I reply in a voice colored with my distress. “You said if I cane here you - you would make me closer to-to God. I just... I wanted to know what that meant.”

 

He looks at me for a few long moments while I die inside of insecurity and shame. I knew he didn’t look at me any special way. I knew Poe was delusional. This is a mistake, Jessika should have just infiltrated and planted a pipe bomb.

 

“You’re morally opposed to what I do. What do you think that I do, Rey?” His voice is deep and reedy and I squirm at the flash of heat that bursts inside of me.

 

“You- you have s-sex?”

 

“Not always.” He steeples his fingers on the desk and leans against them. His gaze is like x-ray. “I provide a service, Rey. Mostly to women that desire a way to safely lose control at the hands of another person. I help women get off and make their fantasies come true.”

 

“Oh,” is all I can muster.

 

“What is your fantasy, Rey?” He tilts his head to study me.

 

“I-I don’t think I have any,” I reply. I’m blushing deeply, barely able to force the words out. No one has ever spoken to me like this before.

 

“Nothing you think about, alone in your bed? Something your possessive little boyfriend doesn’t want to do?” He stands suddenly and gracefully moves around the desk to lean in front of me, long legs stretched out towards me.

 

“Poe isn’t my boyfriend,” I tell him. “And... I don’t do anything in bed but sleep. So...”

 

“The shower, then.” Kylo smirks, rolls his eyes. “Wherever it is you _frantically_ rub that little cunt of yours. What do you think about when you do that?”

 

I can’t look at him. I can barely breathe. “I ... I don’t don’t do that. I’ve never done that.” My whole body is flush with humiliation at my admission. “I’m a - I’ve never -“

 

Kylo huffs a breath that sounds mad. When I peek at him through my eyelashes, he’s glaring at me and breathing roughly.

 

“Are you telling me you’re a virgin, Rey?” I bite my lip and nod. “I suppose this explains a bit. You must be what, twenty-two, three?”

 

“Twenty one. Almost.”

 

“I’m nearly ten years older than you,” he says in a rough voice that does strange things to my chest.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No need to apologize, Rey. I’m just not sure what you want from me.” He folds his arms over the broad barrel of his chest, and I feel tiny and ridiculous under his penetrating gaze. For a moment, that irritation from yesterday flares up inside of me. He must think I’m so stupid, a virgin in his kink club. I think of how disappointed Poe will be - and Rose - if I don’t follow through, if I don’t come back with some kind of intel for them. And I want this place gone, too - I would be happy with Kylo Ren far from this city.

 

“I want you to teach me. Everything,” I whisper.

 

I feel a finger, warm as it slides under my chin, tip my face up so that I have to meet his gaze. Kylo’s handsome face is waiting when I go finally muster the strength to find his eyes.

 

“You have no idea what you’re asking for, Rey.” He’s not saying it to be mean, I don’t think. But I still feel it like a stone in my stomach. “You deserve so much more than what you’re asking.”

 

“What-what do I deserve?” I’ve never wanted to know the answer to a question more. Time abs space feels somehow static as Kylo holds my gaze, touching my chin.

 

“You deserve...” Kylo leans forward until our faces are mere inches apart. I gasp in surprise. “Everything.” His lips brush my forehead like soft rain and I know I won’t leave this office unchanged.

 

“I know your - your sessions are quite expensive,” I stammer. “I could never afford it.”

 

Kylo pulls back to study me. “Your first session will be free. But you aren’t ready yet.” He straightens and sidles around his desk to sink into his chair. I gape at him in surprised disappointment. My body is tingling, buzzing like a live electrical wire. I can’t process having to stop now. “Come back tomorrow, if you are so dead set on this, Rey.”

 

I nod slowly and find my legs. I feel his eyes on me as I retreat through the door. Phasma eyes me and calls out cheerfully, “Have a great day!” She’s obviously amused at my distress. Since I have the rest of the day free, I decide to walk home from the First Order. It’s a beautiful day and I have nothing planned, except agonizing over my interaction with Kylo and letting Poe down.

 

It’s kind of amazing, in a perplexing way, how two totally different emotions can consume you at once. I’m filled with shame as my panties cling to my crotch, wet and sticky. I also feel deep, hot and cold shame wobbling around in my belly. I feel dirty, but I find that I’m craving more.

 

I make my way through the bustling streets, I wonder if the friendly shop keepers, or the mothers pushing prams down the sidewalk, or business men with brief cases and sharp suits have ever worried about their choices like this. It’s like a war in my head. I try not to think of it as I stroll, chewing on my lip until it’s swollen.

 

The only thing I am certain about is that I am going back. Not for me, of course - for the Resistance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from “Only the Good Die Young,” by Billy Joel


	3. Chapter 3

III.

 

_let me go on, like a blister in the sun_

_let me go on, big hands I know you’re the one_

 

 

 

I’m perusing local caterers online for a munch at the end of the month, a meet and greet for individuals and couples in the BDSM community, when my phone rings. It’s barely nine AM and Phasma, as always, in on the war path. She’s a submissive man’s dream - over six feet of toned porcelain skin and short platinum hair, handsome features and needling blue eyes that can pin one to the floor with just the right intensity. Her clients always seem slightly awed and terrified of her, but that’s the point.

 

“Your church girl is here,” she drawls, like it’s such an inconvenience.

 

I jolt upright in my chair. Rey’s back? I honestly didn’t expect her to follow through. Between the uncomfortable tension she displayed yesterday, and her hateful rhetoric the day before, I had counted on never seeing the cute if not misguided girl again.

 

She steps silently into the room, glancing up almost apologetically at me. Rey sits carefully in the seat across from my desk, again in a sweater and skirt, scuffed up white Keds. Her hair is pulled back in a row of three buns at the back of her head. Her features are delicate when she’s not clenching her jaw or frowning. Her shapeless, modest clothes give no indication of what might be going on beneath them, other than the fact that she’s slim and average height for a woman. Which is about a foot shorter than me.

 

“I didn’t expect you to come back,” I say after making her squirm for a bit. She blinks at me then shyly looks away.

 

“I want to learn,” she says in a hushed voice. Like she’s ashamed.

 

I haven’t done something vanilla like this in a very long time. I don’t date, not since I was fresh out of high school. My heart is too fucked up for that, and allowing myself to become vulnerable to another human in that way is unacceptable. I became Kylo to get away from Ben.

 

Rey makes me want to be both.

 

It’s fucking terrifying and powerfully arousing to stand in front of her in my office, the room beyond us waiting like a secret. There’s so much to teach - how do you teach a vanilla virgin, though? I’m hard as granite, my jeans incredibly uncomfortable, as I watch her eyelashes flutter.

 

“Tell me everything you’ve ever done,” I command as I pin her with my gaze. I know the effect I have on women, despite the fact that I’m not conventionally attractive. I watch as her throat bobs, a nervous swallow, and her hazel eyes finally tear away from mine. Downcast, ashamed.

 

“Nothing, I’ve never done anything.” Even her chin goes pink.

 

“No kissing? No masturbation?” She shakes her head. She’s never even had a fucking orgasm. What is she doing here, wasting it on me? Not that a woman’s worth can be weighed by her virginity, but it feels far too precious a gift to hand over to some stranger she claims to oppose on a near molecular level. “What made you come back, sweetheart?”

 

Her gaze flashes to mine and the second hand ticks loudly as emotions pass over her face like the clouds skittering over the sun. As wrong as she is about the First Order being a filthy, sin infested den of deviance, the girl is unabashedly beautiful in a way I’m thrown off by. It’s subtle; something magical happens as she unfurls and opens before me. Absently, I wonder what she looks like when she cums. I am willing to bet money it’s magnificent.

 

“I had a dream. About - about you.” Lips dig into the fleshy part of her bottom lip. She can’t hold my gaze but I keep staring.

 

“Go on,” I command.

 

“I don’t know what was happening,” she admits slowly. “I can’t remember. But I woke up - I woke up to the most intense sensation I’ve ever felt.” Her hands curl open and I hold my breath as one slides down her ribcage to press over the apex of her thighs over her ugly skirt. “Here.”

 

“You had a wet dream,” I say. I feel precum leaking out of my cock, and it aches in time with my pulse.

 

“I’ve never felt anything like it... and I thought maybe you could help me. Teach me how to feel it again.” Her little hands flutter nervously before knitting tightly together. I have about a million questions screaming through my brain but none of them matter as much as the shy little lamb in front of me. I start pacing, stroking my goatee as I do.

 

I let her sit and squirm and marinate in this indecision as I consider my options. She hasn’t signed a consent form or liability waiver, so if we did a play scene Phasma would kill me. But that will undoubtably take away from the tension buzzing between us. I need to keep this momentum, like a pendulum swinging back and forth. Its a fine balance to remain in control when all I can think about is spreading her thighs open and burying my face between them until she’s begging me to stop. Honestly, I don’t think it would take much, considering her innocence.

 

“I think today we’ll start with anatomy. Come.” I brush past her and in one motion sweep the curtain open to reveal where most of my best work happens. A king sized bed with straps secured underneath. IKEA cabinets in black that are filled with fun toys that maybe I’ll one day use on her. “Get on the bed.”

 

Rey sits down stiffly, like she’s afraid.

 

“I have two rules. One, we always use a safeword. It will be red. If at any time you feel like you want to stop, all you have to do is say “red,” and I will stop. Understand?”

 

She nods quickly. I can see her chest rising and falling rapidly. Rey is aroused. My dick twitches, needy and hot.

 

“I need to hear you, Rey. Tell me that you understand.”

 

“Yes, I understand.”

 

“The second rule is that I’m not going to touch you today. This is all you.” I’m not doing it to be cruel, or at least not cruel to her. I doubt after this if I’ll ever see her again. I want to teach her to get herself off and show her that an orgasm, that how good she can feel and the pleasure her body can achieve, is anything but damning.

 

“Ok,” Rey exhales shakily.

 

“Get undressed.”

 

She hesitates only a moment before standing. Arms slip out of her jacket. I take that and fold it over my arm, thankful to have something to grab as she reaches for the hem of her dark Navy blue sweater and pulls it over her head. Rey’s skin is a deep golden color, the plain beige bra holding up her tits so plain and boring yet inexplicably sexy on her. Nimble fingers work the fly of her denim school marm skirt open and she shimmies it down her thighs before kicking it into a pile with her top. Her panties are white bikinis - no shock there. I keep watching as her bra and panties are discarded too, until she’s standing before me completely bared. I take a deep breath and stare.

 

Her body is slender, ribs and hipbones almost painfully visible. Small breasts sit high on her chest with tight, peaked pink nipples that look positively aching for attention and deeply delicious. Her concave belly slopes down to her mound, concealed in short dark curls that have obviously never been trimmed or touched at all. Normally not my thing - but it again reminds me of her total innocence, the natural look not unattractive on her. I want to see her pink pussy, memorize the shade. See what she smells and tastes like.

 

“Lay down, on your back.” I work to keep my voice steady, which isn’t easy when I want so much to throw her down and cover her sweet body with my own. She’s perfect, a perfect specimen of the female form, a body and face that will manipulate nicely and conform to my desire if we ever get that far.

 

Rey exhales slowly, scooting her bottom back before lying down. Her toes point towards me, muscle taut in her thighs as she breathes and stares at the ceiling, hands balled in fists at her side.

 

“Touch your breasts.” Dainty hands cup the soft, small mounds. Fingers flex and relax, nipples spiking against her palms. “Your nipples are an erogenous zone. That means they can increase your arousal. Touch your nipples, Rey. Roll them between your fingers.” She licks her lips and complies. I’m surprised how well she’s following directions after all the shit she talked yesterday. She’s putting up no resistance (ha) now, just following each command unquestioning and eager. Naturally submissive? I want to groan at the thought.

 

Her chest bounces and hitches in surprise as she tweaks her nipples. “Where do you feel it, little one?”

 

“My breasts, and... and between my legs.” Everything sounds simultaneously filled with wonderment and shame. Must be some deep-seeded Christian guilt happening here. Kind of hot.

 

“Spread your legs.” I kneel at the foot of the bed and practically hold my breath as her thighs fall apart a few inches. “More.” A couple reluctant inches. “More, Rey.” Knees bend and draw closer to her body before falling open so she’s exposed and spread in front of my hungry eyes. I can see arousal, shiny on her glistening labia and the swollen nub of her clitoris. It’s like something I dreamed of. Beautiful.

 

“Touch your pussy,” I tell her. One hand snakes down her belly and cups over her crotch. Her brows scrunch up awkwardly, and I want to laugh and sob at the same damn time as she just. Holds her cunt. “Touch your clit.”

 

“My what?” Her voice is higher pitched than normal. One hand frantically plucks and rolls her nipple as the other remains motionless on her quim. Poor, sweet thing.

 

“Between your lips, at the top. You’ll find a fleshy little nub that feels quite good when you touch it,” I explain. She really did need me to teach her everything.

 

Using her index finger, she hesitantly reaches between her spread folds and traces around. Her legs twitch violently as she finds it, a strangled noise sounding in her throat. I want to pull my dick out of my too tight pants and jerk off while she discovers her beautiful body but I think it would freak her out. Plus, this isn’t about me, I can jerk off later or take it out on my afternoon appointment. I’ve never been into self denial but I can admit there is some merit to it right now.

 

“Kylo,” Rey grits out.

 

“Rub it, little one.” I lean closer over the bed to see her fingers tentatively nudge the nerve-filled spot, and she’s gushing wet all over the sheets. So turned on, but no idea what to do with it. She smells amazing - musky and sweet and my mouth waters as I see her asshole and the entrance of her pussy clenching up and releasing.

 

Her breasts heave as she fumbles with the pleasure for the first time, ever. There’s something beautiful about this, something nostalgic that is comparable to a child on Christmas morning. She’s shaking with sensation and I tremble with excitement. Rey makes delirious noises and chases her hips until -

 

“Somethings coming,” she murmurs.

 

“Building?” I ask, and I break my second rule as I tickle over her abdomen. Her skin is baby soft and she whimpers, nodding her head frantically. Her brow furrows at the overwhelming need to orgasm. I don’t help, though my fingers twitch to bury inside of that wet heat and discover precisely how tight she is.

 

It doesn’t take much longer before she keens out sharply, breath stuttering in uneven pants. She draws up tight for a heartbeat, two, and then Rey crashes. It’s like watching her implode as she shivers and shakes, hips jerks under her fingers and eyes rolling back in her head. I hump the edge of the mattress for some fucking relief and end up climaxing too, like it’s my first fucking orgasm and I’m twelve years old. I grunt quietly as she relaxes into the wet sheets. Rey murmurs my name as she comes down, panting hoarsely. My jaw hangs open as my underwear fills with hot, sticky spend.

 

It’s quiet save for our harsh breathing, until Rey props herself on one elbow and her hazel eyes meet mine. “You’re right, Mr Ren. I do feel closer to God.”

 

I smirk up at her. “We’ve only just started, sweetheart. We have a long way to go.”

 

Even though this isn’t a scene in the traditional sense, I grab a blanket to wrap her up and hold her against my chest. Aftercare is a largely ignored but important piece of any BDSM play. The emotional and physical drop off after such extreme emotions can harm both of us, and I find that gathering her close and inhaling her sweet, slightly salty scent is comforting.

 

“I don’t know how I’ll pay you for more sessions,” Rey says after a while. My pants are getting stiff from my jizz drying in them, and I shift uncomfortably.

 

“You want to come back?” I murmur. My chin on her head feels a burst of heat as she blushes.

 

“Is that all you had to teach me?” Rey counters. My jaw could unhinge, it’s the most daring thing she’s ever said. And without a single stutter. She needs a million more orgasms, I decide. A trillion.

 

“We can work something out. Do you have any special talents?” I’m imagining fresh baked cookies or handmade knit scarves and hats. It seems like something she would do.

 

“I can fix most small engines. Almost anything on a car, too.” Her fingers clench the edge of the soft gray blanket. “I’m good at fixing broken things.”

 

My heart clenches hard at that sweet statement. My mind wants to wander, explore that... but not now, not in Kylo’s domain. I bury my face in her neck, taking a deep breath as a wave of sadness washes over me.

 

“I’m sure we can figure it out,” I reply softly. She snuggles closer, cheek pressed to my soft sweater. I realize that I’m looking forward to our next meeting, too. I tuck that thought away for later and enjoy the brief, thoughtless respite with Rey soft and warm in my arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from “blister in the sun,” by violent femmes


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks as usual to the lovely and inspirational Riri for saving each and every chapter and believing in me.

IV.

 

_should I stay or should I go now?_

_if I go there will be trouble_

_but if I stay there will be double_

_so come on and let me know_

 

 

“So, how did it go?” Poe’s question catches me off guard even though I’ve been anticipating it. Probably because I’m just stepping out of the bathroom and he’s waiting to pounce on me.

 

“Um,” I say, sliding a hand over my French braid. It hangs half way down my back and is a new style that I’m trying out. Finn said it looked nice this morning, but I’m still struggling not to feel exposed, naked, without my buns. “It went ok.”

 

“What did you find out?” he presses on. I find myself shrinking back as he looms over me, oblivious as he’s crossing into my personal bubble. I step backwards and my back hits the wall.

 

“Just - it’s like a club. A BDSM club.” I blush furiously. I don’t have a wealth of information, except about the female anatomy and how amazing it feels when touched. It’s kind of become my dirty obsession - it’s only been a night and I’vemasturbated four times since I saw Kylo. It’s indescribably humiliating and shameful. But I’m becoming addicted to the flush of pleasure washing through my body, the way it makes you float along, boneless and thoughtless. I don’t have to worry about anything until the aftershocks flicker away and my brain becomes my own again.

 

No wonder the Bible says it’s a sin. How would anyone get anything else done?

 

“And?” Poe asks. “What was it like inside?” His eyebrows jump up towards his hairline. “Were there just people having sex in every corner? Like leather chaps and whips?”

 

“Uh, no. It was quiet... very clean.” An image of Kylo’s intensely focused face as his hand caressed my pelvis springs to mind. Dark hair falling into his warm brown eyes, plush lips parted. Heat lances through me at the memory.

 

“Oh.” Poe’s shoulders sag and his face falls in disappointment. “No people hanging from sex swings?”

 

“What’s a sex swing?” I whisper, glancing towards Finn anxiously. Poe gets upset easily and his passionate demeanor sometimes makes me nervous. Especially when it’s directed at me.

 

“Never mind. I just figured there would be more to go on.” He scrubs his face with both hands and sighs, obviously unhappy with my lack of useful information.

 

“He asked me to come back,” I mumble. I wasn’t planning on sharing that, but I want Poe to stop looking so frustrated. His eyes light up and he grins, almost like when it’s Christmas and we go around town putting flyers up that say “keep the CHRIST in Christmas,” which is one of his favorite past times.

 

“You’re the best, Rey. Seriously, you’re a warrior for Jesus. An angel. I like your braid, too. Reminds me of like, a young Judy Garland.” Poe tugs the end of my hair and I smile tightly.

 

Guilt seizes me as he walks back towards the kitchen, where Finn is relaying some fun work story to Rose, who beams up at him with big eyes. She’s had a crush on Finn since the moment we all met. So much so that she didn’t even like me for a while, until she realized that there was absolutely nothing romantic between us.

 

I swallow the bile rising up my throat as I watch my friends laugh and chat. I feel like such a liar. Here they are, proud of my _bravery_ in spying on the First Order. Meanwhile, I’m doing my best Whore of Babylon impression and falling flat on my back for the enemy. I’m disgusted with myself, which feeds into all of the feelings of shame and humiliation.

 

It just feels so _good_. Every time I think about it, about Kylo’s gaze like a warm breeze on my body, I flood with warmth between my legs. My nipples tighten in my bra and I want to feel it again, and again.

 

But it’s _bad_. Maybe not as bad as having sex outside of marriage, but the Bible is pretty clear that any and all sins against God are equal. I’m just splitting hairs in a vain attempt to make myself feel better.

 

Next time I see Kylo, I have to keep my clothes on. I can’t let myself be seduced by his handsome face or those big hands and wide shoulders. Or his lips, rose petal pink and so soft looking...

 

Get a _grip_! I chastise myself, shaking my head like it’ll get rid of the naughty thoughts.

 

——

 

A few days later, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket of my khaki skirt and pull it out, flipping it open. I always get teased because it’s such a relic.

 

There’s a text from an unknown number.  _Are you available tomorrow to fix a broken thing for me?_

 

My heart begins to pound. It has to be Kylo. I had forgotten that we exchanged numbers before I left the other day, my head swimming with heady lust and shame. I feel my cheeks burn hot with a combination of embarrassment and dirty, sinful excitement. I chew on my lip as I type back, _I have to work in the afternoon but could come around 9 AM._ That’s early, like too early to be confused for something sexual, right? I gnaw on my lip until I taste blood, trying not to let my worry spiral out of control. Will he give another lesson? Do I want him to?

 

His response is a short, _Sounds_ _good_ , followed by his address. I’ll have to look it up on Finn’s computer, but the street name I recognize from the north part of town, one of the nicer neighborhoods. I swallow thickly, a combination of nerves and something slow and syrupy stirring low in my belly.

 

That must be his home address. Not the First Order, where he sees clients, and hosts his filthy sex parties. He’s inviting me to his home, where he sleeps and eats and... I feel almost lightheaded, buzzing with energy. For some unnamable reason, I feel giddy and pleased. I feel special, though that’s certainly a silly reaction...

 

Nothing more can happen between us. Just intelligence gathering for the Resistance, so my friends wont be disappointed or suspect that I’ve crossed over to the dark side.

 

All I have to do is keep my clothes on, and nothing bad will happen. Right?

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

Finn works the morning shift while I have the afternoon, so I have the apartment to myself as I get ready. I have the radio playing a gospel channel as I shower, but I can’t sing along to the old hymns as soap suds slide down my skin. I’m too anxious, my mind getting the best of me. I dress in my typical plain clothes and waffle in front of the mirror before plaiting my hair in twin braids on either side of my head. It’s not like Kylo will know it’s different for me, though every time I’ve seen him before I did wear my trademark buns.

 

I have to take two busses but it’s a sunny morning and I think the ride will take my mind off of my worries. Instead, I chew my cheek and my nails down to the quick. I can’t stop thinking about what happened last time we met, the low flame of arousal that tends to flicker and grow bright when I so much as think about him. It’s infuriating and distracting, and I feel almost like I’m getting whiplash from the extreme swings in my mood.

 

By the time I almost have reached his home, I’m sweating and debating on calling the whole thing off. But there is something deeper inside of me, like a magnetic pull, to be in his presence. I can’t explain it, it makes no sense, but I want to be around him. I want to know what happens next.

 

And the Resistance is depending on me. Though the piece of me that wants to do my duty for them has become astonishingly quiet in comparison to the way my body is crying out for more.

 

I force my feet up the steps and ring the doorbell before I can think twice. It’s a nice two story, with cedar shake siding and a wide front porch and a wicker swing. I don’t know why that surprises me - I half expected him to live in a gothic mansion with ivy scaling brick walls and a perpetual dark cloud hanging over head. Like some kind of villain.

 

I hear shuffling inside before the door swings open. Kylo is standing in jeans and a T-shirt, hair damp like he just stepped out of the shower. I blush at the mental image as he smiles at me.

 

“Good morning,” he says, and gestures for me to come inside. I do, putting a good amount of space between us. A safe distance.

 

“Hi,” I reply. I feel too shy to meet his eyes - he’s seen me naked, he told me how to touch myself, he watched me have my first orgasm. It’s all very terrible and I regret coming here.

 

“So, my toaster is acting up,” Kylo says. He leads the way across the threshold and through a very neat, stylish living room done in dark wood and dominated by a large leather sectional sofa, into the kitchen. Big windows overlook the fenced in yard, and everything looks state of the art and very expensive. The stainless steel appliances all match, and the counters are black Alicante and reflect the overhead track lighting.

 

On the island in the center of the room is a shiny four-slotted toaster, except... it’s been _brutalized_. There’s a massive dent in one side and it looks like someone took a hammer to it. I gaze at it for a few moments before turning my shocked gaze to Kylo.

 

He shrugs at me like, “whuddya gonna do?” with his hands in the back pockets of his pants. He half-smiles at me.

 

“Did you... um, murder your toaster to get me to come over?” I ask slowly, as it sounds half insane even to me. And I am not feeling like the paradigm of mental health as of late. My eyebrows lift in question. Normally, I’d be too shy or embarrassed to even ask - but something, perhaps surprise or the fact that he’s seen me naked, let’s me ask without hesitation. Without thought.

 

“It was like that. When I found it.” Kylo’s face smooths into one of blank innocence. I frown. “So, do you think you can fix it?”

 

“Erm, I..”

 

“I’d be truly indebted,” Kylo says in a low voice. I find it makes the heat that is always - at least since I’ve met him - simmering between my legs ratchet up to a full boil. I clench my thighs together and snatch the abused hunk of metal off the counter, glaring at him.

 

Damn Kylo Ren for making me feel like this. And double damn me for falling for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “should I stay or should I go,” by the clash


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Riri for her fine eye and always making me better.
> 
> Credit to @balancedpadawan for my gorgeous moodboard!! Isn’t it lovely?? Thank you Hammie!
> 
> You can find me on twitter now @ coffeeandcigsok :)

 

 

 

V.

 

_i’m sinking like a stone in the sea_

_i’m burning like a bridge for your body_

 

 

Rey takes one more look at the mashed metal of my toaster, slots bent in on each other and bread crumbs trickling out like sand between her fingers, and shakes her head.

 

“I can’t fix this.”

 

I nod once. “Ok.” My heart sinks like a stone, but it’s my fault. The toaster destruction was overkill, I can admit that now. I make a mental note to get a new one off Amazon.

 

Still, she keeps holding it, turning it over in her hands. “Do you have a screwdriver?” I do. I dart into the garage to retrieve my tool box and place it in front of her on the counter. Rey chews her lip absently as she digs through the tools.

 

I don’t know what to say. She looks beautiful, even in her stupidly modest skirt with those school girl braids. I’ve never seen her without her hair done up in buns. It’s nice. Her chestnut hair is much longer than I realized, hanging halfway down her back in heavy ropes.

 

I imagine twisting them around my fists and pulling from behind until her body curves like a bow drawn back. What a sight that would be.

 

“If it’s beyond repair, why are you doing that?” I ask as she twists the screws out and lifts the deformed outer casing.

 

“I’m stubborn?” She glances up at me, trying not to smile. “I can’t not try to fix it.”

 

Interesting. “Even though it’s obviously broken?”

 

“Those are the most satisfying things to fix,” Rey replies, licking her lips and returning her focus to the project at hand. I watch her nimble fingers working over the wires, bending the slots back into place. A small, victorious smile graves her face as she straightens each slot up, getting them aligned until she can press the lever down and they no longer bump together. The heating mechanism still works, too.

 

“Just have to hammer these dents out and it should be fully functional again. Not the prettiest,” she amends lightly. Our gazes meet over the countertop and Rey goes pink. She pushes the loose tendrils that escaped her braids out of her face and lifts the shell of the toaster. “I know you have a hammer, somewhere...”

 

“I might. In the garage.” I gesture for her to follow me through the door off the kitchen, into the fluorescent lit space where my work bench is. I had plans for it, moving in - fixing up my father’s Falcon, wood working projects that never even got started. I have a terrible habit of not following through with things; First Order is my first and only true venture that came to fruition, but that was with Phasma kicking my butt the whole way. I watch as Rey cradles the toaster covering under one arm and looks around.

 

“I don’t get much time out here,” I find myself explaining even though she hasn’t spoken. She sets the toaster shell down and picks up the hammer resting there, eyebrows raised and a little smile on her lips. I shift guiltily. “I always mean to, but...”

 

“I don’t have a ton of free time either.” She lefts the hammer, weighing it in her hands. She glances at the cork board above the bench, where one is supposed to hang wrenches and sockets or whatever, but I’ve only tacked up a photo of my dad and I in front of his precious Falcon. The one in my back garden. She’s staring at it.

 

“That’s my Dad, and me.” I lean a hip against the table and look at it too. I’m around fourteen, my hair too short to cover my obnoxious ears - ears my mother always claimed I would grow into, but never did - and glaring while my dad smirks. Typical of our relationship.

 

“That’s a Ford Falcon,” Rey counters. “What year?” She stands on tiptoe to get a better look. I can’t take my eyes off the way her skirt gets tight around her bottom. It’s kind of miraculous that she can hide such a fit, sexy figure under her shapeless clothes.

 

“A sixty-two,” I reply. She whistles, which startles a chuckle out of me. “You like cars?”

 

“I like muscle cars. Classic cars. The engines just... make sense. One of my foster parents owned a salvage yard, and I used to spend hours out scouring in the summer to find whatever I could. If I found something really good, I’d even get dessert.” She smiles sadly, then straightens up quickly, like she’s embarrassed. I watch closely as pink heat creeps up her neck.

 

“Foster system? That’s tough.”

 

“I don’t like to talk about it,” Rey says weakly. Her hazel eyes are sad and pleading for me to drop it. I understand very well how that feels. Despite my burning curiosity, I nod at the picture.

 

“I still have it. My dad left it to me. Would you like to see it?”

 

“Yes,” Rey says without hesitation. Toaster and hammer abandoned, she follows me through the back door into the yard. It’s a nice day, warming up towards summer, sunny. For a moment, it strikes me how strange this situation is - me, sexual deviant with pristine virgin Rey, our relationship having been based on being her sexual teacher, looking at my deceased father’s classic Ford. A car I’ve made excuses to neglect for years now.

 

I yank the tarp back to revealing the Falcon. It was my father’s favorite possession, a vehicle he bought outright in his late teens and scrimped, saved, and personally restored. My mother loathed that car, eventually, though Dad always claimed it was where I was conceived. The cream color is dingy, chrome accents needing a polish, but still in decent shape. The motor needs an overhaul, and the interior a revamping. But from the outside, it doesn’t look terrible.

 

“Wow,” Rey breathes reverently. “She’s gorgeous. How long has it been since she ran?”

 

“Five years, I guess.” I don’t remember a lot from Dad passing. Just a lot of anger, a lot of whiskey, and my mother crying.

 

“Hm.” She reaches towards the grill to pop the hood. I like that she doesn’t shy away here, doesn’t look embarrassed or nervous or hesitant at all. Rey is in her element as she takes in the tangle of metal and rubber parts that braid together to make the engine work. “What’s wrong with it?”

 

“Fuel pump.” I planned to YouTube search how to replace it, but Rey starts digging around. Like she knows what she’s doing.

 

“That’s not a difficult fix at all.” She smiles over her shoulder and it’s so lovely that it makes my chest ache.

 

“Then you should do it. That can be our... deal.” I try not to let my anxiety over bringing up our arrangement choke me. The difference between me, Ben, and Kylo, is like English and Latin. Ben scrambles for control; Kylo exudes it. Shifting between each personality isn’t easy for me. At home, I’m rarely in my Kylo mind.

 

“It hardly seems fair,” Rey mumbles. She bites her plump bottom lip. “But I can’t turn down an opportunity to get my hands on this.”

 

I have something even better for those hands, but I shelf that thought and nod. “Good. It’s a deal. Shall we kiss on it?”

 

I have no idea where the idea comes from - I don’t kiss my clients. Ever. It’s a firm line in the sand for me, a hard limit - but Rey isn’t my typical client. She’s not a client at all. And kissing her, tasting her sweet mouth, is suddenly an overwhelming need that I never could have predicted. I wait, jittery on the inside but calm outwardly, for her answer.

 

“Aren’t people meant to shake on deals?” Rey asks, turning to lean against the Falcon. She doesn’t look displeased with the notion as she grins at her shoes, hazel eyes flicking up to me then down again quickly.

 

I close the distance between us and bring my hands to her narrow waist. Rey’s breathing hitches, face turning up to mine. She’s not a small woman but she barely reaches my shoulder. “Ready for your first kiss?” I whisper. Touching her is a relief I didn’t know that I needed.

 

“No,” Rey murmurs, nervous energy rolling off her in waves.

 

“I’ll be gentle,” I promise. I slide a hand up the curve of her body to hold her jaw, tilting her head back, before ducking down to press our mouths together. Soft, warm, she smells sweet and floral up close and I hear her breath hitch in her chest. It feels so, so good - gentle and slow. She’s trembling.

 

Why haven’t I done this in so long? It feels...

 

Something is tugging at my mind. Darkness curls like tentacles, and I tighten my grip on her jaw without realizing. A distant memory ripples through me, slow surfacing and fuzzy.

 

_“Ben.. my sweet Ben.”_

 

_I dont move away from the gnarled lips that press on mine, the fat wiggly tongue that worms into my mouth. I’m rooted to the spot and my eyes are squeezed shut tight. It’s not the first time that this has happened, but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. Tastes like smoke, cigarettes, I want to gag._

 

_”You taste so sweet.” I don’t gag despite my stomach wanting to heave. I just stand there as weathered hands slide over my spine. I don’t flinch away even though every instinct tells me to; push him away, punch his fucking lights out, stand on his throat until he can’t breathe anymore._

_The hands come around to my abs that flex automatically and he chuckles. Maybe he thinks it’s anticipation, excitement. It’s anything but. The clink of my belt unfastening is loud, deafening. His hand is on my cock and his tongue is in my mouth._

 

_They’ll say I wanted it. That I didn’t fight hard enough. That a guy my size should have been able to defend against an older man. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t, and I hate myself more than anyone else ever could._

 

_my stomach roils and my dick twitches on his dry palm -_

 

“Kylo? Kylo!” The sharp smack brings me out of the flashback, the world too bright and my ears buzzing. I gasp for air as Rey repeats my name.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “tautou,” by brand new


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you to Riri for keeping me on track and keeping track! You’re an angel!
> 
> Find me on twitter @ coffeeandcigsok

VI.

 

 

 

_kiss me quick while we still have this feeling_

_hold me close and never let me go_

_cause tomorrow’s can be so uncertain_

_loves can fly and leave just hurting_

 

 

 

His lips are soft and firm against mine and it feels wonderful. I feel it everywhere - the tips of my fingers tingle and my blood runs hot. I’m definitely sweating. Can Kylo tell I’m sweating? It doesn’t matter because his hand tightens on my jaw and my core clenches in response. It’s incredible, I really like this kissing thing...

 

Until I realize he’s frozen in front of me. His lips aren’t moving against mine, and the pressure on my wind pipe - which is oddly arousing - tightens until it becomes a discomfort. Reluctantly - those full lips are doing decidedly sinful things to my insides and I don’t want them to stop - I break away, gasping lightly.

 

Kylo’s hand drops and he stands in front of me like a statue. “Kylo?” He doesn’t respond, and I try to shake his shoulder but he’s so large and my heart flutters in panic. I do the only thing I can think to - I slap him, repeating his name.

 

My palm cracks across his cheek, whipping his head to the side, but it seems to work. My hand feels hot and stings, and bright red blooms on his face where I hit him. He sucks in a deep breath and I’m panting, worried.

 

“Rey,” he says, gasping down air.

 

“I’m so s-sorry! Kylo, are you all right?”

 

“Yes. I’m sorry.” His umber eyes are glazed and distant. “I - I’m sorry, Rey. I think you should go home.” His hand is heavy on my shoulder, he squeezes, and I fight the urge to question him. I know something is wrong - what did I do? Was I that bad at kissing that he was kicking me out?

 

“Kylo, whatever I did, I’m sorry,” I murmur towards our feet. Hot, salty tears sting the back of my eyes. Guilt swells in my gut - maybe this is God telling me that I should forget about all of this.

 

“It’s not you. I promise.” His whole affect is flat and even though I’m so embarrassed I force myself to look at him. He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “You should come to First Order tomorrow. We can continue then.”

 

“Oh, ok,” I say with a nod. The whole situation is weird and uncomfortable. Far more uncomfortable than being spread naked in front of him in his sex office. Kylo follows me back inside, through the garage, where his toaster waits, still broken. Kylo mumbles goodbye as he lets me out, a sad half-smile on his lips.

 

I’m not even off the front step when I hear something crashing inside. I half turn to gaze at the immaculate exterior and realize that maybe the toaster was just a victim of whatever darkness is swirling inside of him.

 

 

 

——

 

 

 

My shift at Max’s castle is a good distraction. Evenings are slow, though our newest hire, a young woman named Kaydel with wide green eyes and blonde hair pulled up in twin buns on top of her head. She seems eager to learn both sides of the business and when I’m done shelving books and placing new inventory on the display shelves, I hang out behind the long coffee counter showing her how to properly wash the blenders and check the fridge temps.

 

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and somehow I just know that it’s Kylo. My heart stutters as I pull it out and flip it open.

 

I’m sorry Rey

 

I bite my lip and smile.

 

Today was weird, but tomorrow will be better. Come to the Order and let me properly take care of you.

 

Heat floods my whole body and I snap my phone shut guiltily. When did my excitement begin to override my morals? I can still feel the whisper of his lips ghosting over mine, tingling pleasantly.

 

“Oh, I know that look,” Kaydel says, jerking me out of my thoughts.

 

I swallow the nervous caught feeling down and force a smile. “What’s that?”

 

“You’ve got that look, you know? Whose the guy?” She drops the pink rag on the counter and hops up beside me. Technically, I should tell her to get down. But her question steals my thoughts.

 

“You can... tell just by looking at me?” This is very bad news. If Kaydel can tell, does that mean Finn and Poe and the rest of the Resistance can?

 

“Nobody smiles at their phone like that in less they’re in love. Or like. Or lust,” she adds thoughtfully. “You have it bad, huh? Whose the guy?”

 

“Just... someone I really shouldn’t like,” I grumble. I scrub a hand over my face.

 

“Is he from like, a different religion?” Kaydel asks in a hushed voice. “Forbidden because he’s Jewish or something?”

 

I frown. “I don’t think so. Um, I don’t think he’s religious at all.”

 

“I just wonder, because you’re so... you know, Christian and everything. Which is great! I don’t, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Kaydel quickly assures me. “I just assumed because of the skirts and, the whole Resistance thing..”

 

“That’s the problem,” I groan. I sag back against the counter and glare up at the slow spinning overhead fan above us. “He’s the total opposite of who I’m supposed to like.”

 

“Who are you supposed to like?” Kaydel presses. She’s grinning at me, but not making fun like a lot of people in my past have when the topic of my beliefs come up. I get the sense that she’s simply bored, and curious - we’re the same age and she likely has her own boy troubles and a ton more experience than me. Maybe she can give some secular insight.

 

“Ok. You have to promise this stays between us.” I narrow my hazel eyes on her and she signs crossing her heart before sticking her pinky finger up at me. It seems silly, but her face is deadly serious as I twins my little finger around hers. “You can’t say anything, to anyone. Especially Finn.” Because he works with us, and I would die if he heard my sibs second hand.

 

“Rey. I will take this to my grave,” Kaydel vows.

 

I sigh. “I’ve been seeing this man. He’s a bit older, far more... worldly than I am. And he’s ... making me feel things that I never have before.” I struggle to find the right words. How do I describe him agreeing to teach me? That this isn’t romantic for him like it is me? Just business as usual, but with a slight, virginal twist? And the added fact that he’s supposed to be my enemy?

 

Kaydel sighs and softens, eyes going dreamy. “You’re like Romeo and Juliet,” she almost whispers.

 

“No, not quite.” I don’t think Romeo was a dominant that daydreamed about tying Juliet up in his sex dungeon. I don’t know that Kylo thinks about doing that to me, either - but the notion that he might has my stomach burning with anxiety and desire.

 

“So when will you see him again?” Kaydel asks, bouncing on the counter. “You gotta tell him how you feel! There’s no other way, Rey.”

 

My eyes go wide and I quickly shake my head back and forth. “No, no way. That’s... so forward.” And humiliating, especially if he rejects me.

 

“Seriously, I’ve seen like, every romance movie ever made. You just have to go in there and tell him how you feel, lay it all on the line.” Kaydel nods confidently. “I bet he’ll sweep you up in his arms and plant a big ol’ smooch on you.”

 

Last time that happened didn’t go so well... but, he did promise to do it over properly, didn’t he?

 

“I don’t know...”

 

“Come on, Rey!” Kaydel hops down and grabs me by the shoulders. We’re nearly the same height. “I know you come from some backwards semi-cult religion that probably thinks women should be seen and not heard -“

 

“Excuse me?!”

 

“But it’s 2018! Women can do whatever we want! And guys like that. They like a woman to go for what she wants. So you should just - just go for it!” She giggles and despite my disagreeing with the middle part of her rant - I’m not from a cult - her excitement is contagious to a degree. I chew my lip thoughtfully.

 

“I’ll think about it, ok?”

 

“Good. You’ll see, I’m right.” Kaydel snatches her rag and shakes it at me playfully. “And when I’m right, you owe me a coffee.”

 

I nod and smile. It feels nice to have a girl to talk to outside of the Resistance, someone impartial. Jess and Rose would likely think my possessed if they knew what I was getting up to in the name of the Resistance. I shake my head, smiling at the idea of them trying to exorcise the lust out of me.

 

Later, after Kaydel and I close down and lock up, splitting to go our own ways home, I text Kylo back.

 

Ok. Be there around two?

 

The walk home is short and I trudge up to the fourth floor. My key in the lock is loud and I have to jiggle it to get the deadbolt free. When I push the door open, Poe jumps off the couch and grabs me up in a hug. Finn just gives me a weird half-smile from where he sits.

 

“Rey! How was your day? Guess what!” Poe swings me around excitedly, and I smack at his back to be released.

 

“Hi. Also, what?” I ask, toeing off my shoes and dropping my bag on the hook behind the door.

 

“You know how we have that financial donor?” Poe asks. His hands on my shoulders guide me to the couch. He sits between Finn and I - I don’t know why but I can tell Finn is annoyed.

 

“Sort of.” I remember Poe talking about some Snoke guy that sends him money to fund our merch, our matching Resistance T-shirt’s and money for the flyers we pass out. Finn huffs a sigh and stands, stalking into the kitchen. Poe’s gaze follows, grin fading, before he seems to shake out of the moment. “Well I emailed with him today. He wants us to take down Kylo Ren and the whole First Order. Isn’t that great?”

 

No, I think, that’s not great. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed. I might not agree with what goes on there... but that’s Kylo’s work. That’s his income. Isn’t it worse to ruin that for him than the people that pay him? I force a big smile and Poe sweeps me into a tight hug.

 

“We’re all counting on you, Rey,” he says in my ear. I don’t tell him that’s what I’m afraid of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “kiss me quick,” by Elvis Presley


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story wouldn’t exist without Riri. Thank you for always making me better!

VII.

 

 

_Every inch of your skin is a holy grail I’ve got to find_

_only you can set my heart on fire_

 

 

 

Everything has to be perfect today.

 

I change the sheets on the bed in my office. I make sure I have a fresh bottle of lube on hand. I jerk off twice before Rey shows up, hoping against hope that if I do get intimate - at least to the point where she’ll be touching me - I won’t cream my pants like some high schooler.

 

I pointedly avoid thinking about our kiss yesterday. That never happened. Today is a complete do over. I brought my Xanax prescription just in case.

 

I’m a ball of nervous energy. I want this to be good. I want Rey to remember how good I can make her feel for days. I want her to keep coming back, until I’m confident that I can see her outside of the Order without having a flashback, or a panic attack. I need to prove to her - and myself - that I can do this anywhere, anytime. Not just within the safety of my role as Dom Kylo. But even as Ben.

 

A few of my dishes and framed photographs bore the brunt of my frustration yesterday, but that’s ok. Things can be replaced and the clean up was easy. It always feels good to get the frustration and anger out, though it usually manifests in a destructive way.

 

After my morning appointment - intense submissive businesswoman with a fetish for being paddled, which makes me feel fractionally better and more in control after she obeyed my commands to the letter - I take a long shower and clear my head. Some women - some people, I should say, thinking of that ginger fuck Hux that I work with - are so out of control emotionally that they need to be broken down. Giving up their will for even an hour can do so many beneficial things. I wonder if Rey will ever get to that point with me.

 

I’m of the opinion that she needs some good discipline. That if she would let go and bend to me, she’d find something new inside of herself. Strength she doesn’t know that she possesses. She’s halfway there already - our sessions don’t look like kink from the outside, but the first time when I made her masturbate, there was a definite power exchange that ratcheted up my arousal. Hopefully today will go the same.

 

If she hands over her power, I pray that it’ll help keep me grounded.

 

When she finally arrives, it feels like I can breathe easier. She’s wearing another knee length skirt and button down, her hair in a low bun. I’m struck by how pretty she is despite dressing like a middle-aged mom. It’s effortless. No cosmetics to enhance her delicate features, no low cut, too tight clothing to show off that tight little body that I know is hiding underneath. Her smile is small but the brightest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

 

“Hello, Rey,” I say in a low voice.

 

She inhaled sharply and murmurs, “Hi Kylo.” Standing in front of my desk, shifting her weight from foot to foot, I get the vague impression of a student called to the principal’s office. I smirk.

 

“Shall we begin?” I gesture towards the bedroom part of the office and she nods. Light steps lead her to the bed. “Take your top off.”

 

Her eyebrows arch up in surprise. Whatever she’s expecting, it’s not this, but her fingers deftly move to unhook buttons until the material slides off her arms and pools at the floor by her feet. Her skin Mmmm is golden and freckled, her small breasts covered in a white cotton bra, no frills or bells. Just plain, lovely. I stalk closer until her chest is flush against my abdomen. Her body is warm against mine.

 

“K-Kylo,” she stutters, head tilting back to meet my gaze. I find the pins in her bun and tug them out, and her long dark hair unravels until it’s a loose sheet spilling down her back. I’ve wanted to see her undone for so long. I’m not disappointed.

 

“I’m going to kiss you again, Rey. Are you ready?” My voice is steady and deep. Rey shivers and nods. One hand threads through her mane of chestnut waves and the other spans the small of her back. Without further fanfare, I bring our mouths together.

 

The little sigh I feel against my mouth makes my dick twitch despite my having cum twice already. She tastes sweet, minty and warm, and I nibble at her bottom lip before tracing my tongue over it. Rey shivered as she timidly opens up for me like a flower opens to the sun. I lick into her mouth and smile as she grabs my waist, fingers fisting in my T-shirt and pulling me closer. I massage her scalp with my nails as our tongues slide together. Rey, for a first timer, is surprisingly catching on quick. Our teeth only knock together when she stands on tiptoe, hands sliding into my hair and tugging me to her tightly.

 

I wrap an arm around her waist, feeling her hard nipples press into my stomach through her bra. I walk her backwards until her legs hit the bed, then lay her down. I break the kiss to admire at her - panting, small breasts heaving - and smirk. She’s like a small rabbit and I am a tiger. I’m going to devour her.

 

“Take your bra off.” A fine blush rushes down her neck to the tops of her breasts but she complies, sucking her bottom lip in as she twists around to unhook the back. I’m impatient and force myself to hold still as she nervously draws the straps down her toned arms.

 

Seeing her breasts again is just as exciting as the first time. My fingers twitch to touch, but I kneel over her and ignore them as our lips crash together again. I could kiss her for hours. Thanks to the Xanax I feel warm and relaxed, no fear of a flashback as I plunder her mouth.

 

“Kylo,” she pants as I kiss my way down her jaw. Her pulse flutters under my lips, fast and hard. I taste her skin and nip her softly. Almost instantly, her skin purples. I file that sweet knowledge away for later.

 

Being with Rey is like going zero to sixty in the span of a heartbeat. I’m in control, I’m the one leading, but she arouses me like no one else ever has before. I grind my erection into the front of her ugly skirt and tickle up the notches of her ribs to cover one mound of her breast. Her nipple seems to harden even more against my warm palm, and she whimpers softly.

 

“Do you like that?” I ask. I know the answer. I just want to make her say it.

 

“Yes!” Rey exclaims breathlessly. Her brows furrow down and she arches further into my touch. I feel her toeing off her sneakers before her socked feet dig in on my calves. Like she’s trying to hold me against her at every point of contact.

 

“I’m going to kiss you here,” I warn, but Rey just nods. Already she is twice as eager and open than our first meeting. I dip down and circle her tightened areola before licking the bud of her nipple. She sucks in a breath and moans - a real, throaty moan that makes the hair on my body stand at attention. “Sensitive,” I comment, teasing, as I softly lap over her breast.

 

“It feels - so good,” she pants. Her nails scrape my scalp and I shiver. She holds my hair back and I glance up to find her watching me as I suck and nibble. Her hazel iris is a barely visible ring around her dilated pupil. I bet if I touched her center, she would be soaking wet and hot.

 

However, I’m content to pay her beautiful breasts attention for now, so I move to the other side and diligently pay equal attention. Her moans are equally delicious.

 

A few moments later I find her shifting beneath me, hips seeking relief. I smile into the skin between her breasts before propping my chin on her.

 

“I’m going to touch your pussy now, sweetheart.” She nods somewhat frantically. “Is that ok?”

 

“Yes!” Rey squeaks and I chuckle. It feels good, pushing her skirt up and letting my fingers walk up the baby-soft skin of her thighs. She’s consumed with lust, the newness of these feelings. It makes me feel secure, confident, as I stroke the front of her panties.

 

Just as I suspected. Soaked.

 

“Oh my gosh,” she groans as I brush my fingers too lightly over her. “Oh my, oh jeez.” She covers her face with her hands, and I smirk down at her trembling thighs and core. The more out of control she feels, the more power I feel. The harder my cock strains against my fly. I take mercy on her, adding pressure on her clit, and her reaction is lovely - back bowing off the bed and a grunt loosing from her chest. Inelegant but perfect in her complete surrender.

 

“You’re so wet, little one. Is that for me?” She can’t speak so she nods. Good enough. I tug her panties down by the leg hole. Her scent fills my nostrils and I growl softly. Spread her legs so she’s on display again. Pink and glistening under the overhead lights. It’s impossible to be so close and not taste. I sink onto my belly and hook my arms around her legs, cupping her ass, my face inches from the sweetest place in the world. I take deep breaths before tentatively glancing up at Rey. Her head is thrown back, fingers digging into the sheets. I watch as the tip of my tongue traces a delicate circle over her clit.

 

Rey yelps and her body jolts. I groan into the soft tissue of her folds, sopping wet and tasty. I devote my full attention to getting her off, making her feel good. Delicate fingers card through my hair and tug, whining and trying to grind her pussy against my face. Normally, I would hold her hips down, tie her hands so she couldn’t try to lead. But this is Rey, this is her first time, and having her grab me and try to keep me closer is insanely hot. She’s so sensitive and responsive. While she’s distracted, twitching under my tongue and lips, I trace her tiny opening and ease my finger in. Her walls hug my finger but otherwise there’s no resistance. I hum with pleasure, sucking and licking at her clit, and she clamps down on me.

 

“So good for me, Rey. You’re such a good girl,” I coo before returning my mouth to her swollen lips. Her cunt clenches around my finger like a molten vice. I smile into her labia, sucking and licking some more while her hips thrust against my mouth so needy. “You’re doing so well, honey. Taking what I give you like an angel.” My continued praise continues to make her clench and my heart sings. She is a dirty girl at heart. I’m going to tear her down and figure out all her secrets - but first, I want to make her cum.

 

“I’m - I’m so - ughhh.” Rey convulses as I start to finger fuck her. Slow steady strokes. I curl my finger, pressing against the spongy nerves of her g-spot, and she gushes around my finger as she sobs. She’s climaxing, trembling and moaning out in a hoarse voice that does things to my cock. I can see tears sliding from the corners of her eyes as she gasps, smiling open-mouthed and so achingly beautiful. I don’t want to stop but she pushes my head away, unable to withstand more.

 

“Holy heck,” she giggles, scrubbing both hands over her face. Her skirt is bunched up around her waist and she shivers with aftershocks.

 

All I can do is smirk at her perfectly devoured form. “I told you I’d take care if you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “love me like you do,” by Ellie Goulding


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies, formatting from my phone really sucks!!

VIII

Kylo calls it aftercare, when he wraps me in the soft green blanket and cuddles up to me. I don’t know what that means or why he does it, but it feels really nice to be wrapped in his big strong arms after that powerful orgasm. I blush - I can’t seem to stop blushing - at the memory of his lips wrapped around my most intimate parts, touching me and teasing me until I shook with the most overwhelming waves of pleasure. Much stronger than what he taught me to produce on my own. 

I’m starting to believe him when he says that being close and intimate isn’t evil. Maybe it still is, outside of marriage - definitely what is going on between us is sinful. Despite the feelings that grow inside of me, taking root in my heart, I know that for Kylo it’s just another power game. Like what he does with his clients. Surely, if it were more than just a fun time, he would tell me - right?

I let him nuzzle into my neck and feel him sigh. I wonder again at how it can feel good for him, having seen the bulge in his pants and knowing he was aroused but didn’t do anything about it. Maybe he only does that with someone he’s dating, or seriously involved with? Maybe it’s some kinky thing I don’t understand yet.

The closer I get, the further I let Kylo lead me in to this world, the more I find myself yearning to know.

“How did you get involved in all this?” I ask softly, closing my eyes and enjoying his warm, hard frame snuggled around me. “It doesn’t seem like something you can just stumble into.”

“I was... out of control. Something bad happened to me, when I was younger. I was looking for ways to numb the pain, distract myself. I started watching bondage porn. I started reading up about it.” Kylo’s voice is a small rumble under my ear. “I found someone to play with and... it was the kind of control that I needed. To settle down.”

I frown sympathetically. I know what it’s like to need to be in control all the time - to feel the lack of reins in my hand, to feel like everything is moving around me without my permission, happening without my say so - distant panic trembles in my belly. I know how terrifying that can feel.

“Some people benefit from giving up control. Most submissive I know, that I work with, seek that brief break to follow someone else. It’s a fantasy, it’s a vacation, for just a bit. But someone like me,” he says, lips soft as a whisper on the sensitive skin under my ear, “need total control over someone else to feel it everywhere else in their lives.”

“So - s-spanking someone,” I say, trying to wrap my head around this, “makes you feel like your life is manageable?”

“Sort of. Yes.” His chuckle makes me wiggle, and I roll around until we’re facing each other and I can look into his dark eyes. “That trust, that power, is so... overwhelming. It’s hard to describe it properly.” He rubs my shoulder, and I shudder in response. “Having a submissive give me power over them helps me have power in other arenas. Does that make sense?”

I nod, solemn. It sounds less like a deviant, devil-worshipping, dirty thing when he puts it like that. It sounds almost... therapeutic.

“Would you try it, with me?” I ask, mustering all the courage I can.

Kylo studies me for a long time, teeth capturing his plump bottom lip. “If you wanted. When you’re ready. But it would have to be a secret.”

Of course it would be a secret. I would die if any of the Resistance found out! 

“When will I be ready?” I’m overly eager, pushing up onto my elbows, making Kylo laugh. It’s a good sound, one that warms my heart. 

“Let’s keep up with these lessons,” he says, “and just see what happens. Ok, Rey?” 

I nod, settling back down into his embrace. Once again, I’m flooded with more questions - what happened to him, to make him so sad, to make him need this power? I won’t push.8 want to show him despite my wanton actions, I can restrain myself. Knowing that this curiosity won’t be satisfied today, I try to let it go and enjoy this moment before Kylo asks me to get dressed and leave. It doesn’t seem like the right time to bring up what Kaydel and I talked about, again - but I am beginning to feel confident, thanks to Kylo, that there will be time soon enough to tell him how I feel.

 

——

 

The next day, Poe has us all gathered in his apartment. It’s big, spacious, modern. Much nicer than mine and Poe’s place, able to yield much more company. He has new recruits tonight, a dozen new faces here that want to join our cause. Doe-eyed, innocent kids like me, that see the bad side of things only. 

I have never been so aware of my shifting feelings as I do tonight. I feel like a liar, two faced - preaching abstinence and the purity of marriage, denouncing the BDSM club that Kylo owns in the same breath as abortion clinics. 

“Sin, is an infection,” Poe says. We’ve lined up folding chairs and I’m in the very back row, alone. It’s a bit chilly, so I pull my jacket over my lap, phone in hand. “This infection is spreading at a rapid pace - ruining marriages, ruining childhoods. Infecting good people with the deadly sin of lust.”

I toy with my phone. I want to text Kylo. I can’t stop remembering the sight of him between my thighs yesterday. My body prickles, thinking of the pleasure crashing over my like waves. I clench my thighs together, rocking my hips delicately. It only fans the flames of my lust.

It seems that Kylo has infected me with desire. I press my thumb into the home button to unlock my screen and open up my text app, and find Kylo’s messages. I smile and type.

**Rey**  
_I think you’ve infected me with the sin of lust ;)_

I send it before I can think better not to.

His reply comes in seconds

**Kylo**  
_No, I’m tested every month and that never came back positive ;)_

I stare at my phone, trying to suppress the grin threatening to spread across my face. I glance up, finding that Poe is still lecturing. “The Resistance aims to preserve the purity and innocence of the world, by taking down those that threaten it.” Finn whoops from up front, and I try not to roll my eyes.

 _What is wrong with me?_ I think, surprised with my flippant attitude. I used to hang on Poe’s every word, letting him fill me up with righteous hope and venom. Now, I just want to text Kylo, go home, and masturbate.

**Rey**  
_Is it bad that I can’t stop thinking about yesterday?_

It seems that Kylo is perhaps as bored - or as horny, I secretly hope - as me. His response is almost instant. 

**Kylo**  
_No. I can’t seem to think about anything else, either. I could smell you on my lips all day._

My whole body clenches and tingles. I’m hot between my thighs, desire warming my core. I shift, trying to soothe the ache that pulses through me. 

**Rey**  
_I’m really horny, Kylo. What do I do?_

I fist the material of my jacket anxiously. It feels delicious, dirty, to be texting Kylo this filth during one of Poe’s long-winded recruitment testimonies. They end up lasting a long time, into the evening, as he tries to get our numbers up. I feel my phone vibrate. 

**Kylo**  
_Touch yourself, little one. Where are you?_

Surely he doesn’t mean it! I explain that I’m at a Resistance recruitment lecture, blushing to the roots of my hair. I’m positive he wouldn’t suggest that if he knew where I was. 

**Kylo**  
_And...? Do it, Rey. Put your fingers in your pussy and make yourself cum._

Oh gosh. He does mean it. 

I glance to the pulpit, a stand in front of Poe’s impressive home movie theater. He’s gesturing towards us, eyes intent on the new people up front. I hitch my jacket higher and slip my hand under it. My skirt is soft, stretchy material that slides easily up my thighs. When my fingers find the front of my panties, I nearly moan at how wet I am. I’ve never been so thankful to be sitting in the back. 

**Kylo**  
_You’d better do what I say, honey. If you want to be my submissive, you have to follow directions._

**Kylo**  
_Touch that sweet pussy and remember how it felt to have my tongue licking up your clit, my finger deep inside you._

**Kylo**  
_Think about how good it felt to finally let go. To let me suck and tongue and fuck your perfect body into orgasm. Send me a picture of your wet fingers when you’re done to prove to me what a good girl you can be._

I pant as quietly as I can, stretching the leg hole of my panties and dipping between my pissy lips to find the damp heat. I rub my clit in tight, harsh circles, praying it’s not obvious what I’m doing and that no one turns around to see my shameful behavior. 

“We must rid the world of these perversions! We must fight for the sanctity of marriage and love as God intended!” Pow thunders on, and my eyes nearly roll back at the intense, stilted movements of my fingers. Between Kylo’s filthy texts, Poe’s lecture, the fact that I’m right here in public, that someone could catch me at any moment - it’s not long before pleasure peaks inside of me. I cough to cover the wanton moan that nearly escapes my mouth. My foot kicks out as my body clenches, desperate and aching for something more. No one even turns to make sure I’m ok, they’re so wrapped up in Poe’s passionate words. 

I catch my breath and pull my fingers out. I take a picture, like Kylo insisted. Even in the low lighting, you can see the fluid glistening on my digits. I send it, then wipe them on the hem of my skirt as I yank it back down. 

__**Kylo**  
_Thank you, sweetheart. You did very well. Feel better?_ _ _

__**Rey**  
_A little bit, yes. But I can’t believe I did that in a room full of people. I didn’t get caught, thank goodness._ _ _

I glance around. Poe is beginning to wind down. The crowd getting a little restless. Next we’ll all mingle, talk about our convictions, brag about our ineffectual protests and commiserate the state of the world. It sounds about as fun as a root canal - maybe I can beg off, feigning a stomach bug. I’m flushed and slightly sweaty from my orgasm, it might work. 

I stand and find my way to Poe once he’s finished. Rose has put out some snacky finger foods, and Finn helps her pass around plates. I wait until Poe is between recruits to grab his attention. 

__

__

“Hey, this is Rey! She’s kind of out double agent,” Poe says. He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me close. I fight the urge to push him away - must he always be so handsy? I fake a smile to the young woman beside us, and turn to Poe. 

__

__

“I’m really not feeling great. I think I need to head home.” His dark eyes flicker over me with concern, and guilt slides down my spine like an icy fingertip tracing my vertebrae. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry Rey. Definitely, go take are of yourself.” He pats my side. “Hey, Finn might be late - he’s gonna help me with clean up - but message either of us, if you need anything.” His smile is worried and sincere. I’m a terrible friend. I nod, telling him I will, before waving to the others and shrugging on my jacket. 

__Why do my emotions have to be so at odds with each other? I wonder idly as I slip into the waning evening light. I catch a bus and ride home, the memory of Kylo’s naughty texts, Poe’s fiery rhetoric, and my own shame keeping me quiet company._ _


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to Riri for always encouraging me when I need it!

IX.

I’m half awake, glaring at my coffee maker as brew sputters into the pot, when a knock raps on my door. It’s barely eight AM on a Saturday morning - my first thought is _shit, it’s Leia_. I groan, but trudge across the floorboards to answer it anyway.

 

It’s not Leia, I find. It’s Rey.

 

It’s Rey in a pair of loose jean _pants_ , buffed to show a few inches of her ankle, and a loose T-shirt that has certainly seen better days, under her usual spring jacket. Her hair is pulled half up, the rest loose about her shoulders and chest. She smiles, waving with one hand, the other holding something tucked under her arm.

 

“Hi!” She says brightly.

 

“Hi?” 

 

What is she doing here so early? What is she doing here at all? I’m not _unhappy_ to see her, at least - I’m quickly finding that Rey is the highlight of my days. Ever since she told me off at her little friends’ protest of First Order, she’s been a happy, bright spot on my otherwise dark days. 

 

“Sorry, to barge in on you. I was thinking of your car.” She smiles shyly, ducking her head, then peeking at me through her eyelashes. Twin patches of pink color her freckled cheeks. 

 

“I always dreamed someone would say that to me,” I reply, but step back to let her in. She follows me to the kitchen, eyes scanning the counters as if looking for another mangled appliance. A shiny new toaster replaces the other, and her eyebrows twitch up but she makes no comment. “What’ve you got there?”

 

“Fuel pump,” Rey says with a mega-watt grin. “It’s supposed to be sunny and in the sixties today. I thought it might be a good day to work on it, if that’s all right with you.” Her free hand toys with a strand of chestnut hair, and since I’m a weak, helpless man against her feminine wiles, I nod. I’d be an idiot to say no. Rey, bent over the engine on a sunny spring afternoon? Yes, please.

 

“Sure. Coffee?” I offer as I grab a mug out for myself.

 

“Oh, no. Caffeine is -“ Rey cuts off abruptly, face turning thoughtful. She purses her lips. “Yes, actually. I would like some coffee.”

 

 _Okay,_ I think. It’s not a drastic, life changing decision. I pour us each a mug, slide hers arose the counter. I take a sip and watch as she mimics my movements, tipping the cup up... moments later her face scrunches in distaste and she spits the liquid back into the mug.

 

“Why... do people... like that?” She gazes at me, baffled, and all I can do is chuckle. She’s adorable. It’s hard to marry this version of Rey with the one that fingered herself in public at my command last night. The memory makes me twitch, remembering the image of her slick-shiny fingers in her lap. I clear my throat, willing my body to calm down. _Now is not the time._

 

“You get used to it. And the caffeine puts pep in your step.” I grin and motion for her to follow me out back. I grab the toolbox as she pushes open the garage door. Soon enough, it’ll be time to start mowing again - I love summer but hate the chore. Rey trots over the My father’s old car, pulling back the tarp eagerly. 

 

She prattles in about how simple it’ll be - removing fuel lines and pulling the rotten pump, her hands gesturing excitedly. She pulls out her phone and taps away before music starts to play. I’m not sure why, but Motown is the last thing I expect her to listen to - Christian pop seems more her speed. Gospel, country. But not the Temptations.

 

“Is this ok?” She asks, tossing a concerned look my way.

 

“It’s great,” I assure her. 

 

“You don’t have to hang out. I’m sure you have Saturday chores to get done,” Rey says, placing her phone on the lip of the toolbox. She reaches through the grill to unlatch the hood. She pops it up, the hydraulic springs keeping it lifted. Rey moves so naturally around the car, like she’s at home, up to her elbows in the tangle of metal and rubber.

 

“Saturday chores?” I find myself asking. Because I’m curious as to what her own are. I’d like to know anything and everything about this illuminating creature.

 

“Like, you know. Floors and windows Saturday, laundry on Sunday. I do deep-cleaning on some Sundays too. If I have the day off.” Rey smiles over her shoulder at me. “This is much more fun.”

 

I don’t tell her I have a cleaner that comes once a week for all of that. Besides laundry, which I’m perfectly capable of doing myself.

 

After a few more minutes, Rey starts humming sweetly along to the an old Ike Turner tune and I sense I’ve lost her. I head inside and grab a quick shower, definitely not imagining the sweet curve of her peachy ass in those jeans. I’ve never seen her in pants before - or with her hair down, really - and the thought makes my stomach muscles clench. The most innocent turn on for me yet, I suppose.

 

I get dressed and loaf around a bit until I can’t think of any more reasons to put it off, and then let myself out to watch her some more. I try not to feel anxiety at the state of the Falcon - pieces and tubes snaking our - as she swipes a hand across her forehead, leaving a trail of grease.

 

Why must she be so adorable? So sweet? And at the same time incredibly sexy, to the point where I’m aroused at just the thought of her? I return her smile, uneasy. My heart feels weird, warm and light. It’s not a feeling I’m comfortable or familiar with, and it makes me nervous. Shifty. 

 

“Not much longer,” she says. “Just have to attach the new part.”

 

“Great.” Except it’s not, because I want her to come back and do this again. I actually enjoy just watching her, like a creep. “Want to take a break? I can make us something to eat.”

 

Rey very nearly tosses her wrench in the toolbox, moving to lower the hood and fix the tarp. “I’m always ready for food,” she explains, and I grin, tucking that information away for later use, and we trek inside. Rey scrubs up at the sink with my dish soap, trying to get the dark residue off her arms and fingers. 

 

“I can make us quesadillas,” I say as I rifle through the fridge. 

 

“I’ll eat anything,” Rey says brightly. “I couldn’t afford to be picky growing up.”

 

She offers up sad pieces of herself so easily, like it’s normal. My heart aches as I start gathering ingredients and tossing them on the counter. Rey watches for a moment, then wanders into the living room. I don’t have anything embarrassing around, like my seventh grade yearbook photo, so I don’t mind her curiosity. I lean around the archway between kitchen and living room and spot her at one of the packed bookshelves. She slides out a leather-bound volume and inspects it, before glancing towards me.

 

“ _You_ own a Bible?” she asks incredulously.

 

I can’t help but smirk. “What, isn’t God supposed to accept all of us sinners so long as we ask forgiveness?” 

 

Rey’s lips fall into a firm line. “We’re not supposed to sin in the first place, though.” She won’t meet my gaze, instead thumbing through the thin pages. I could be blind and still sense the guilt rolling off her. “Do you ever feel bad, about what you do?”

 

“Compared to what’s been done to me? No. Not at all.” I quickly return to the stove, flipping the shell to cook through the other side. Fuck, that was a really vague and weird thing to say. She probably thinks I’m so messed up. My palms grow moist and I clench them into fists, nails biting into my palm. _Stupid. Fucking stupid, useless-_

 

“I’m sorry someone hurt you,” Rey says, hand on my arm so gentle. I nearly jump, I hadn’t heard her approach. She smiles at me softly, hazel eyes wide and sweetly gazing up at me. Somehow, it makes me relax, and I feel the tension ease out of muscles I hadn’t realized were clenching. “And for the record, Jesus does forgive all sins, so long as we are truly sorry and ask forgiveness.”

 

I don’t tell her that for most of my sins, I’m not sorry. Especially the ones that involve her.

 

“You’re sweet, you know?” Her face flames red and she drops her hand. I nudge her out of the way with my hip and plate a quesadilla, then chop it into triangles. She licks her lips in the cutest way, inhaling deeply. I chuckle and motion for her to go ahead. I’ve eaten her sweet little pussy, I’m not afraid to share food with her.

 

The little moan she makes at her first bite goes straight to my dick. I take a deep breath and will my body to calm down. Not just my dick, but everything else that goes into overdrive when I’m aroused outside of the club. My heart beats hard as I get excited and nervous.

 

“Good?” I ask.

 

“Great.” She scarfs two pieces before I finish my first. Once we’re finished, I rinse the plate and toss it in with the rest of the dirty dishes in my washer. Rey is staring, watching me the entire time, and it’s unsettling. I lean against the counter beside her, waiting for her to say whatever is on her mind. Does she want to leave? Maybe, but she doesn’t make a move towards the door, and she doesn’t speak. Before the silence can turn awkward, I open my mouth to speak. But then Rey lunges at me.

 

Soft lips crash against my own. I put my hands on her shoulders to steady her as her slender arms wrap around my neck. My scalp prickles with anticipation as her tongue traces my full bottom lip. I groan at the sensation, how aggressive she’s being. My skin crawls with electric anxiety - I’m nervous, but not full blown panic attack yet. I don’t want to hurt her feelings again, but I’m terrified of losing myself, too. As gently as I can, I push her away and break off the kiss. We’re both panting.

 

“Rey...”

 

“Oh my gosh. That was - I’m so sorry, Kylo.” She covers her face with both hands, likely turning an impressive shade of red. 

 

“No, it’s ok. I like kissing you, Rey. I just - sometimes, outside of the First Order, it’s just... hard, for me.” I do t elaborate, praying she’ll understand.

 

“Because I’m a client?” Rey asks weakly. “You don’t want to mix business and pleasure?”

 

“ _No,_ ” I insist, firmly. “That’s not it at all.” I cuff her wrists, pulling them from her face. “It’s a control thing, Rey. Being with you, outside of the Order, makes me feel very out of control.”

 

“And you need to be in control to - to be _intimate_ with me?” She glances up shyly, biting the corner of her mouth. I want to groan and tug out my hair. She drives me crazy with her innocence. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it was intentional. 

 

“Yes, sweetheart. Without my sense of control, I tend to get a little... unhinged.” That’s one word for it, at least.

 

“Could we try something? With you in control?” Rey whispers. She’s nervous too, making herself so vulnerable. She’s either very brave or intensely horny - judging from his she clenches her thighs together, shifting in front of me, it’s the latter.

 

I swallow hard. “I don’t know...”

 

“Please, Kylo. You can make the rules, and - and I’ll do exactly what you say. Promise!” She inches closer to me, little hands fluttering over my chest before grabbing onto my shoulders. “I’ll be so good for you, Kylo. _Please_ ,” she begs. It happens to be the right thing to say - I have a thing for a girl that can beg so prettily - and reluctantly, I nod. 

 

“But we have to go upstairs,” I say, feeling myself shift into Kylo mode as she relinquishes power over to me. I hold her wrists together in one hand, cup her face with the other. “What is our safeword, sweetheart?”

 

“Red,” she answers quickly, breathless and bright-eyed.

 

“Good. If either of us uses it, the scene is over. Neither of us will feel badly if we need to use it, right?”

 

“Yes, sir.” She nods eagerly. I can’t help but feel a pinch nervous - and not just about how I’m going to react when we get upstairs - about this. It adds a layer of intimacy to what we’re doing that wasn’t there before. It’s becoming more than just teaching her all the ways there are to give and receive pleasure. It’s getting _personal_. 

 

“Come on then, sweetheart. Up to bed with you.” Rey springs into action, and I watch as she races towards the stairs. I sigh, sending a quick prayer to God that whatever happens next, I don’t scare her off. I could get used to having her hang around, I think. I want to test the idea more. Wouldn’t do to fuck it up before it really even begins. 

 

Rey manages to pick the correct door and lets herself into my bedroom. Like the rest of my house, it’s done in dark woods. My bed is on a platform, no head or footboard - I do have restraints that loop under the mattress, but I’m reluctant to take the time necessary to get it set up. Instead, I watch Rey stand impatiently at the foot of the bed, waiting for my next order.

 

_Good girl._

 

“Undress to your bra and panties,” I instruct, and I don’t miss the shiver that races down her spine. She’s quickly unbuttoning her jeans and wiggling them down her shapely thighs. She grabs the hem of her shirt and then pauses, eyes nervously flicking up to my face and away.

 

“I forgot to wear a bra,” Rey says nervously. She bites her lip and peers at me shyly.

 

My cock twitches to life, blood rushing south at an alarming rate. My head spins as I try to regain control. “That’s ok. Take your shirt off.” I wait until she does, gazing at her lovely breasts as the turn pink with her blush. I take off my own shirt, then jeans and lay down on my back in the bed. “Come here, sweetheart.” I pat my lap and Rey eagerly scrambled to climb on top of me. 

 

I can feel the heat of her cunt through the think material of my briefs. Her hands find purchase on my chest, little warm palms on my pecs, and she gazes at me expectantly, waiting on her next set of directions. It’s perfect - _she’s_ perfect. 

 

“I want you to grind your hips against me,” I tell her, glad when I sound steady and controlled considering inside I’m like a bubbling pot about to boil over. This is more intimate than anything I’ve done in years. My pulse races.

 

She rocks her bottom experimentally, frown of concentration wrinkling her brow. Her panties are wet, I can see the dark spot on the front of the generic bikinis. Her knees dig in to my stomach. “Like this?” 

 

“Here,” I say, helpfully guiding her hips tighter and lower against my aching cock. She mewls in surprise, tossing her head back, body immediately taking over and working her pussy over my erection. Her breath hitches, and I knead one of her breasts encouragingly. “That’s it, Rey. Good girl.”

 

She moans at my praise and her eyes flutter shut. It reminds me of before anything bad happened in my life, being in high school and fooling around, doing everything _but_ the real thing. It’s almost painful, but that edge keeps me from blowing my load instantly. Rey is so gorgeous, such a natural. Her instincts seem to be always right. 

 

It’s not long before her breath hitches and she starts rubbing herself frantically against me. I can feel the wet dampening my shorts, seeping into my cock, and can’t help but groan. “You like this, don’t you Rey? Like rubbing your sweet little pussy on me to get off, huh, kitten?”

 

“Y-Yes, Kylo,” she answers, breathless whimpers as she shudders above me. “I’m - I’m really close. Oh my gosh.” She trembles as her hips stutter against me, rubbing tight and hard. I palm her ass, slapping lightly to see her reaction. I’m not disappointed when her eyes fly open and she gasps, and then her whole body seems to draw up tightly. “Kylo...” she moans as she comes, shivering and nails digging into my chest. 

 

I hold her hips roughly and grind up into her. I’m not far off, her soft panting breaths and delicious way she calls my name has me toppling over the edge in no time at all. I grunt as I realer into my underwear, breathless and shaky. Rey collapses against my chest, and the sensation of her soft little tits on me - skin to skin - is heavenly.

 

When I finally catch my breath, running my fingers up and down Rey’s bony spine, I sigh heavily. I did it - I did something sexual outside of the Order club and I didn’t have a panic attack. Maybe it’s the little bit of power play, maybe it’s just Rey. 

 

I peel back the blankets and tuck us both in, cuddling up close to her. Rey relaxes in my arms, turning to nuzzle my chest with her adorable freckled nose. My phone begins to vibrate in my pants, loud against the hardwood. I groan into Rey’s soft hair.

 

“Should you get that?” Rey asks.

 

“I am not moving. If it’s important, they’ll call back.” I pull her tighter. The sensation of skin on skin is something I didn’t know I missed. I’m almost dozing, feeling her breathing slow with mine, thinking a nap after an orgasm would be lovely - even in my sticky messy underwear - when the phone goes off again. Rey groans and pushes at me weakly. I roll out of bed reluctantly to answer.

 

Of course it’s my mother.

 

“Hi, Mom,” I greet flatly. Rey sits upright with a jolt, clutching the blankets to her chest with eyes owlishly wide.

 

“Ben, you didn’t RSVP for the charity gala tonight,” Leia Organa-Solo is using her diplomatic voice rather than the one she uses to scold me, so I know she must be busy around people. “I put you down with a plus-one.”

 

“Mom,” I say, trying to think of any reason under the sun to beg off what is likely to be a stuffy affair complete with shmoozing and a tuxedo, at least on my part. Representative Organa is only too happy to trot out her son, owner of the bdsm club and liver of an “alternative lifestyle,” just to rub it in the public’s face how progressive she is. I think she would’ve been happier had I turned out gay, but I digress.

 

“Benjamin, you _will_ be there at eight sharp in formal wear, with a date, also in appropriate attire. Do I make myself clear?” she hisses, voice dropping in volume.

 

“Fine,” I huff, feeling every bit the petulant teenager.

 

“Good. I’ll see you tonight. And don’t forget the masks, Ben, it’s a masquerade ball. Love you, honey.” The line goes dead and I take a deep breath, exhale, pushing down the urge to toss my phone at something hard.

 

“You ok?” Rey asks gently.

 

I plop down beside her on the bed, feeling her hands weave relaxingly through my long locks. Instantly, I’m almost purring. “I have to go to this charity thing tonight. It’s going to suck.”

 

“Aw, poor Kylo.” She doesn’t sound sorry in the least. I look up at her grinning face and am struck with either the very best or absolute worst idea I’ve ever had. 

 

“You should come. Be my date.”

 

“Me?” Rey asks, blushing delightfully.

 

“It’ll be fun with you there. Plus, it’s a masquerade - none of your little Resistance friends will see you with the Big Bad Sinner.” I tickle my fingers over her ribs, and she giggles. “Come with me, Rey. Please.” 

 

She looks thoughtful for all of ten seconds before she nods. “Ok, I guess I can do that.” I pull her down for a quick kiss and grin.

 

“You won’t regret it, Rey. I promise.”


	10. Chapter 10

X.

 

There’s no time to lose, so I get dressed and head out - I have to find something fancy to wear. Kylo kisses me gently at the door, just enough to make my toes curl and my pulse begin to race. Then he nudged me off, a secretive little smile making the corner of his mouth lift. He’s so handsome that it makes my blood run hot with lust.

 

Before I reach the bus stop, I’m pulling out My phone to dial Kaydel. She answers on the third ring, and it sounds like I’ve woken her up. “I am _not_ coming into work early,” she growls in greeting. I roll my eyes but nothing can steal the stupid, cheesy grin off my face.

 

“That’s ok, I wasn’t going to ask you to.” I skip into the half-building of the bus stop, but I can’t sit still on the bench. My knees jump to an imaginary rhythm and I drop my voice like Poe is behind me to overhear. “I have a date - I think - tonight. And I need your help, I have nothing to wear.”

 

“Oh, Amish skirts aren’t going to work?” Kaydel asks, then cackles. 

 

“It’s a masquerade. Do you have any idea what type of dress code that means?” I ask, ignoring her teasing. I’ve never been to a dance before, but I _have_ seen Phantom of the Opera. I know that I’ll need a dress and a mask, but my bank account is already low from skipping shifts to visit Kylo.

 

“Dude, I have the hookup. Come over, I’ll get you set up,” she says, then gives me her address. It’s closer to my end of town than Kylo’s, so I barely have to alter my route. The whole ride I’m buzzing with excitement - Kylo wanted to bring _me_ to this fancy gala. We’ve never spoken about our feelings before - unless it’s how good he’s making me feel - and I’m dying inside as I wonder: _is this a date?_ I flutter my hands over my hair and swipe under my eyes, worried I’ll look like I just had an orgasm on my - well, he’s not my boyfriend, but calling him a friend as I would Finn or Poe or Kaydel seems wrong, too. I just don’t want to look like the lust crazed jezebel that I’m becoming.

 

Honestly, I have no idea what’s happening to me. I kind of understand why people struggle so much to wait until marriage - if I knew Kylo had feelings for me too, it would be hard to _not_ take things further. When I’m around him, it feels like my body is calling to be nearer, as close as two people can be. I know it’s wrong - but it feel so _incredibly_ good that to deny it feels even worse.

 

Kaydel answers the door in a fluffy pink robe and pajamas, ushering me down into her basement level apartment cheerfully. “I made coffee, want some?”

 

“No,” I reply adamantly, shaking my head. She shrugs and directs me back to her bedroom. Her apartment is a mess - plates stacked around with take out containers, magazines and clothes and half empty water bottles strewn over every available surface. I try not to let my discomfort show. Cleanliness is next to godliness, and the majority of my youth was spent learning how to properly clean a home. For when I eventually got married. So I could please my husband with how tidy I could keep his home.

 

Even thinking it feels strange now. I used to daydream about finding my mate and being the perfect wife in God’s light. Now... I shake the thoughts of Kylo, his strong hands on my body, making me feel smaller than I am, delicate. I can’t think of that _now_. I need to focus. 

 

“So a fancy dress and mask. You’re in luck - I went to Mardi Gras a couple years ago,” Kaydel says as she begins rummaging through her open closet door. I sit on the stool in front of her vanity, which is absolutely jam packed with more makeup than I’ve ever seen outside of a cosmetic aisle. Powders, creams, lipstick, liners... so many colors and shades. I wouldn’t know where to begin. “Here it is.”

 

Kaydel produces a half-mask, meant to cover the nose and eyes. It’s a deep blue color with beading and feathers, and she hands it to me before returning to her closet. Feeling silly, I put it on - to my amazement, it easily conceals my identity. If I didn’t know I was wearing it...

 

“And I think this will match nicely. Try it on.” She pushes lacy fabric in my arms and then flops on her bed. We’re nearly the same height, and surprisingly similar builds. I’m maybe more muscular in the shoulders, and her bust a big larger than mine. But I’m hopeful as I start to undress. “You’ll need a bra,” she comments as I tug my shirt off. 

 

I slip it over my head, wiggling and gently pulling everything into place. The fabric of the skirt hits mid-thigh, with a sweetheart neckline that scoops down to show my meager cleavage. A lace overlay scrapes the floor and reaches halfway down my forearms, giving it a classy, elegant feel. It’s belted at the waist and somehow gives me an hourglass silhouette. When I gaze in Kaydel’s mirror, I gasp softly in surprise.

 

I’ve never worn anything like this. I feel like a fairy princess, and can’t resist a little twirl.

 

“Your guy is going to lose it,” Kaydel says. She stands behind me, adjusting the neck slightly and squeezing my shoulders. “You have a great body. I don’t know why you cover it up like you do.”

 

“I was raised very religiously,” I reply weakly. “I was taught that showing your body was sinful and a temptation to the males around me - that it should be a treasure for my future husband.” I feel blush coloring my cheeks as I look down to the floor.

 

“Well that’s a load of crap,” Kaydel snorts. She rolls her eyes and crouches down to start sorting her shoes around. “Living life for some guy you don’t even know? That may not even exist? No thanks. I’d rather live for _me_.”

 

“I mean, in the church... that’s just how it’s done.” I shrug and try not to feel defensive. She’s not calling _me_ stupid, just my beliefs. But are they even my beliefs anymore? I’m torn. I believe in God, I know He exists. But I also want to believe that what I’m doing with Kylo is right, that I shouldn’t be punished for it despite the very sinful nature of our present relationship. If we were in love, would that make it more acceptable? I have so many questions that my head is beginning to spin.

 

“Well, the real world is a lot different. What size shoe are you?” 

 

“Eight,” I respond. It seems to simple to Kaydel. She doesn’t seem guilty or regretful. And I know she’s had sex. She’s definitely had sex. I’m probably the oldest virgin I know, outside of Resistance members. 

 

“These are seven and a half, but should work.” She hands me a pair of platform heels that look dangerous.

 

“When you lost your virginity, how did you know it was the right choice?” I ask as I step into the pumps. 

 

“Oh, I totally didn’t. You can never be sure - even if you’re like, married. People change, people fall out of love. I mean, it’s like having a kid. It’s never going to be the _perfect_ time and shit always happens and always will. You just gotta go with what feels right. Then deal with the consequences.” She shrugs and nods her approval at me. “You look hot, lady.”

 

“Thank you,” I say leaning in to hug her. It feels like the most genuine advice I could’ve asked for on the subject.

 

“Anytime! Now, let’s get you sorted for your big night, huh?” Kaydel waggles her eyebrows and I giggle, letting myself be dragged into girlish excitement like never before.

 

——

 

By seven-thirty, I’m ready to go. I’ve shaved (even my bikini line, at Kaydel’s insistence through the bathroom door), plucked my brows, and let Kaydel paint my face. It feels weird, staring at my reflection. I feel like a brand new girl - a woman. And it’s not a bad feeling, not at all.

 

Kylo picks me up. My phone has been going off all afternoon, but other than texting Finn to let him know I’m busy, I’ve ignored it most of the day. It feels really, strangely good, not focusing on what everyone else wants me to do. No Poe hurling endless questions. No dodging Jessika’s hair-brained conspiracies. Just girl talk with Kaydel, the occasional message with Kylo to let him know my estimated ready time and Kaydel’s address.

 

“Planning on coming back tonight?” she asks, teasing.

 

“No,” I reply with a big grin. “I don’t think so.”

 

Kylo texts when he arrives and I hug Kaydel goodbye. There’s a bittersweet feeling that I missed out on normal friendships like this over the years, but happiness at the afternoon spent being purely girly and silly. 

 

When I step outside, Kylo is waiting for me on the stoop. He looks... incredible. His dark hair falls in soft waves, brushing the shoulders of his black tuxedo jacket, and the shirt beneath is a deep midnight blue just like my dress. I lick my lips as I teeter closer, still unsteady despite the practice runs I’ve done in the heels. His jaw drops when his eyes light upon me.

 

“You look...” he trails off as he hands find my waist. My long locks are in far curls that bounce over my shoulders. I feel like a princess from the storybooks we weren’t supposed to read. I’ve never felt prettier than this moment, with Kylo staring at me, lost for words. He pulls me tight against him, dipping his head to gently kiss my lips. His hands tighten at my waist and he breathes hard, warm breath fanning over my cheeks. 

 

“I don’t know how I’m going to keep my hands off you,” Kylo says gruffly. He tugs me towards the waiting town car, sleek and black with dark tinted windows. I slide in and he follows, slamming the door before capturing my lips again. He tastes so good and his hands cup my face, warm and surprisingly gentle compared to the bruising force of his lips. “I’m  
going to tear this off you,” Kylo says. His hand slips up under the skirt to touch my inner thighs. His knuckles brush the front of my panties. 

 

“We aren’t even there yet!” I exclaim, giggling. 

 

“Take these off,” he commands.

 

“Really?” I squeak.

 

“I want to know you’re walking around completely bare for me,” Kylo purrs, and dips his fingers under the waistband to stroke through the short curls there, until he finds my clit and teases it with the softest, barest touches. I mewl softly, thrusting my hips against his hand, and Kylo chuckles. 

 

“I’ll take them off,” I pant as he teases me. The littlest touch sends me shooting off like a rocket, needing more and more. My nipples pebble in my borrowed bra and Kylo smiles as he drags the material down my thighs and shoves it in his slacks pocket. His grin is absolutely evil as he sits back and licks my arousal off his fingers, our eyes locked the entire time. It’s so dirty - my core clenches, needing more contact, but the car slides to a stop. I groan in frustration.

 

“Put your mask on, sweet girl,” Kylo says. I follow directions as he does the same - mine is as fancy as my dress, whereas Kylo’s is plain and black and does nothing to hide his identity. He opens the door and unfolds his tall frame, holding out a hand to help me. My palm blooms with warmth as it touches his. Like every place our skin connects is electrified.

 

I step out, ignoring the chill against my wet lady parts, and glance around. I hear shouting - and with a start, I realize there’s a small group of protestors in front of the massive brick colonial we’re in front of. Men in dark suits with earpieces contain them. I come to a full stop, as does my heart. Dread knots my stomach where lust was just building, sending a shiver down my spine. I don’t have to see their signs or faces to know - it’s the Resistance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Rey’s dress](https://www.storenvy.com/products/19352461-elegant-high-low-half-sleeves-black-backless-lace-prom-evening-dress)


	11. Chapter 11

XI.

 

I clasp Kylo’s hands tightly - I can’t read the look he shoots me under his mask - and practically push him inside. As if my nervous butterflies aren’t enough, having the Resistance here, being on the opposite side of them for the first time - sets me on edge. They look so angry and small from this side of the picket. I’m cringing with second-hand embarrassment and anxiety as we step inside.

 

Kylo’s hand is warm and his grip secure as I stumble after him. I feel unsteady in my heels and that sparkly princess feeling from earlier wanes as I take in the well-dressed folks around us. Kylo fits right in, like a dark prince, and I feel like a little girl playing dress up. I shrink into his side and his hand slips from mine around the small of my back to keep us closer.

 

“Stop worrying,” he whispers into the shell of my ear, soft lip brushing my temple. “You look gorgeous. No one knows who you are.” The kiss to my hairline does a bit to help me relax and I sag against him.

 

“Sorry,” I mumble. “I’m just ... completely out of my depth here.” I flash him a tight smile and Kylo squeezes my waist. 

 

“I’ve got you, sweetheart. Promise.” He snags two flutes of champagne and passes one to me as we slip deeper into the fray. A grand ballroom, brightly lit by twin crystal chandeliers glittering overhead, packed with people and live music from a small platform in the corner. Lively piano and people dancing together on the parquet flooring. Men in tuxedos, women in gowns much finer than mine, dripping in diamonds so shiny I have to look away. It’s an entirely different universe, so far removed from what I’m used to.

 

“There he is - Benjamin! Benjamin Solo,” a petite woman with ropes of braided brown hair twisted on her head calls and Kylo’s head snaps up. He glances down at me as the woman stalks over to us. Who is Benjamin Solo? I’m glad my confusion and intimidation is hidden beneath the gaudy mask - mine is nothing compared to most of the women here.

 

“You made it.” The woman tugs Kylo - Ben? - down and pecks him on both cheeks. She’s not wearing a mask, but clutching it in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other. “On time, with a proper date, following the dress code. Who are you?”

 

“Yes, Mother, I am a modern day miracle. Alert the Vatican,” Kylo grumbles. _Mother?_ “This is Rey. Rey, this is Representative Leia Organa, my mother.” He nudges me and I pull up my shocked jaw and offer my hand.

 

I had completely forgotten that it was his mother than had called earlier. She’s so tiny, even compared to me, and the only resemblance I can discern is her dark eyes. They’re very much like Kylo’s, deep and needling.

 

“Lovely to meet you, Rey. Let me guess. One of Kylo’s customers?” Leia tilts her head to study me, and I feel my cheeks turning pink with shame.

 

“No, actually. I met Kylo when I was picketing his club,” I murmur, and Leia’s eyebrows lift delicately in amusement. 

 

“Ah, interesting. Well, Kylo always did like a girl that’s hard to get.” She chuckles and seems to notice someone over my shoulder. “There’s Admiral Ackbar. You’ll have to excuse me.” She swats Kylo’s shoulder and he all but doubles over to press a kiss to the woman’s cheek, begrudgingly as a child would. Leia shoots me one last grin before gliding off into the crowd. I gaze at Kylo as he tugs on the collar of his tuxedo shirt.

 

“She seems.... Nice.”

 

“No, she doesn’t. But that’s ok - it went well, I think.” Kylo tugs me closer by the waist and clinks out glasses together before downing his in one swift guzzle. 

 

“Kylo!” Another woman interjects. She wraps him in a hug despite me being tucked into his side, and I stumble slightly in my heels. She’s wearing a form fitting red dress with an open back, showing off her lithe frame, dark hair piled on her head in a sexy updo. “I didn’t know you’d be making an appearance.”

 

“You know Leia wouldn’t let me get away with skipping.” He smiles tightly at the woman as she pulls back, but her hand strays on his chest. There’s something intimate about the gesture that I’m not in love with. As if he’s suddenly remembered I’m here, Kylo takes my hand. “This is Rey - Rey, this is Bazine.”

 

“Hi,” I say awkwardly. I feel her gaze like a physical thing as she eyes me up and down. The twist of her lips isn’t quite a smile.

 

“Pleased to meet you.” She sounds anything but. “Kylo, I wanted to discuss something with you. Here, let’s get you another drink.” Her hand slides over his back as she pushes him towards the edge of the room where rows of drinks line a tabletop.

 

I take a sip of my own, frowning. Who is she? And why does she seem so _comfortable_ with her hands all over him?

 

I nod as they set off. I’m uncomfortable, abandoned by Kylo at this party filled with well-dressed folk that likely donate more than I make in a month. I’m out of place, and on the verge of tears suddenly. Maybe I shouldn’t have come.

 

“A woman like you shouldn’t be left alone,” a voice says, and I snap my head up. An older man with graying hair smiles at me, looking handsome in his tux. I smile awkwardly - other than Kylo I’ve never been hit on before and I crane my neck to see where he went. “Do me the pleasure of having this dance with me.”

 

“Oh, I’m here with someone,” I mumble nervously. His hand finds my waist and tugs me firmly to the dance floor. It’s a slow song, other couples sway to the melodic piano, and he takes my free hand and pulls me closer. 

 

“Your date is an idiot for leaving you even for a second,” the man says. I’m glad he can’t read my panicked expression - I don’t know how to dance and I don’t want to upset Kylo. I don’t want to make a scene, either, by yanking out of his embrace. “A delectable peach like you, with those legs?”

 

“Um,” I mumble intelligently. 

 

“I’d never let you leave the bedroom,” he murmurs, dipping so that he can whisper in my ear. My face floods with embarrassment as he moves me around to the music. Where is Kylo?

 

“I should - I need to —“

 

“You’re right where you should be, darling,” he says. His hand creeps lower on my waist so that he’s cupping my butt through the heavy material of my skirt. I want to scream and push him away. Fortunately, a hand on my arm yanks me free and I sag in relief as Kylo pulls me into his chest.

 

“Rey? Everything ok?” Kylo asks. “This guy bothering you?”

 

“I only thought a woman so beautiful shouldn’t be standing alone when she could be dancing.” The man is shameless and I quickly cup Kylo’s cheek, directing his attention back to me as I sense his anger rising. There’s no toasters for him to break here, and a fight is exactly the wrong kind of attention we need.

 

“Come on, please. Let’s go,” I say, and he nods, pressing his lips into a pissed off line. He laces our fingers together and drags me away. I don’t give the creep even a backwards glance.

 

Kylo pulls me up the grand stairway and I follow, unsure where we’re headed but I’m eager behind him. It’s much quieter, the music and conversation muffled as we pace a long corridor lined with high windows. Once Kylo stops, I sag against one pane of glass, feeling apprehensive. He looks _furious_.

 

“I didn’t want to dance with him,” I mumble. “I just didn’t want to make a scene at your mom’s party.”

 

“I know,” Kylo assures me. “Just... seeing another man with his hands on you. It just...” he trails off, clenching his fists tensely. “I didn’t like it.”

 

A rush of excitement sweeps over me. “You don’t like it, because...?” I want to hear him say it. I push my mask back and Kylo neatly rips his own off as he stalks closer to me, crowding me into the window. 

 

“Because you belong to _me,_ Rey. You are _mine_.” Big hands cup my cheeks and before I can take a shuddering breath, heart pounding, he’s kissing me. I moan softly under his full lips and thread my hands through his dark, wavy hair. He’s so handsome, so big, and it makes me feel small and delicate, protected. Kylo advances until my back is pressed against the cold glass and then lifts my hips to balance on the waist high ledge. 

 

“If I’m yours,” I pant as he kisses a hot trail over my neck, “does that mean that you’re mine?”

 

“Fuck yes,” Kylo growls against my throat. I want to melt and cheer but his hand sliding up my thigh keeps me from doing either. Long fingers delve into my slick slit, and I arch against him, quietly gasping.

 

“Kylo,” I murmur as he begins to toy with my clit, plucking at it so my whole body jolts. It’s like electricity shooting through me, and I squeeze my eyes shut at the intensity. It’s like he can make my body sing with pleasure. I grab the lapels of his jacket and drag him down for more kisses. He groans into my lips as a finger makes its way inside of me.

 

“You’re driving me crazy, sweetheart,” he says, dropping his forehead to my shoulder. “I’ve never wanted someone so much, Rey.”

 

“I know - I know what you mean,” I pant as he pumps into me while still stroking my clit in tight circles. My legs quiver and wrap around his hips, trapping his hand between us. If anyone happened upon us, there would be no question of what we’re doing. I bite my lip to keep from moaning loudly. Kylo sighs.

 

“You’re so beautiful. I can’t get enough of your perfect little pussy.” He crouches and his shoulders are the perfect place to rest my thighs. His head disappears under my skirt and I squeak in surprise as his lips latch on to my clit. Heat creeps up my thighs and fans out up my pelvis as he sucks and flicks his tongue over my swollen nub. I glance around wildly - this is so bad, so naughty, anyone could see us - I look out the window and realize the Resistance is _right there_ below. For some reason, this strikes me as particularly filthy and my eyes roll back as my feet arch and everything in body goes tense. I reach my peak and cover my mouth with both hands to muffle my moans. When Kylo pulls back, his face is shiny with spit and my arousal. Careless, I drag him down for another hair-raising kiss.

 

“I want more, Kylo. I’m ready,” I murmur against his mouth as I reach for his cock. “Please, lets go home. I want you.”

 

His eyes flutter shut as he inhales sharply. “I - I don’t think I can do this at home right now. I’m not feeling very in control.”

 

“The club, then. Whatever you need.” I squeeze him through his slacks and his brow crinkles with pleasure. 

 

“Ok,” he says after a few rough strokes. “Let’s the hell out of here.” 

 

Giggling, I let him lead the way after securing my mask again. I can’t wait for this - I want him so badly. Not even the Resistance can change my mind.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys get ready for the smuttening

XII.

 

The club is dark and quiet when Kylo lets us in. I can’t take my hands off him - tugging on his nearly black locks, pressing our lips together with bruising force. We stumble through the airy foyer and down the hall to his office. He leaves the lights off and he drapes his tux jacket over the back of his chair. I step out of my heels with a relieved sigh - I don’t think I’m the type of girl meant to wear heels. My arches and ties are screaming but I ignore it as I draw back the curtain that separates business from pleasure and reveal the bed. 

 

“We don’t have to, Rey,” Kylo says, running his fingers over my bare shoulders. I shiver under the contact as my cheeks fill with heat.

 

“I want to,” I whisper. 

 

“Are you going to be a good girl for me?” he asks, lips blazing a trail where his fingers were first. I tremble at the electricity that crackles between us, tingling over my skin. I want out of this dress, I want to feel our bodies pressed together. For real, this time. 

 

“Aren’t I always?” I ask playfully, twisting around in his arms. Kylo peers down at me before one corner of his plush lips lift in a smirk.

 

“I don’t think dancing with another man is very good,” he says wryly.

 

“I didn’t _want_ to dance with him,” I protest. “I didn’t want to make a scene.”

 

“You need to learn how to stand up for yourself... but as it is, I can’t let this go unpunished.” Kylo spins me around and finds the zipper, sliding it down slowly. He pushes lace down my arms and I help wiggle out of it. I’m left in my bra, as he took my panties earlier, and I shiver with anticipation. Kylo in the club is so different than Kylo anywhere else. He’s confident and demanding, and some part of me yearns to bend to his will. I hold very still while he unhooks my bra and then I’m naked before him.

 

“You are so beautiful,” he whispers against my ear, pressing his clothed body into my backside. I can feel him, hard against my bottom, and a rush of power and desire fills my belly. Heat fans out from my center and I clench my thighs tight together. “I’m going to spank you, sweetheart. I can’t let you get away with letting another man touch what’s mine.”

 

Secretly I’m thrilled. I’ve been so curious, wondered so much about this side of him. I’m nervous too, gulping loudly but nodding my head. He pushes between my shoulder blades and I take the hint, bending over the bed. He kicks my feet apart and I arch to keep my balance, blushing at how spread open I am under what I know is his watchful dark gaze. My skin prickles as I sense him looking me over, yet resisting from touching me. I force myself to stare ahead at the dark sheets instead of over my shoulder. I try to calm my breathing.

 

The first smack makes me gasp. Pain radiates through my butt cheek, hot and prickly, but it’s not _bad_. It doesn’t hurt, not in the way I expect. I’m shocked as my body responds by clenching down with need.

 

The next blow lands on the opposite side, hot and tingly, and somehow I feel it deep in my core. It feels _good_ despite the sting, and I choke back a moan that threatens to escape. I can’t control how my ass arches up, wiggling just barely, inviting the next blow. I don’t know what possesses me, but all I can think about is his big palm striking between my legs. 

 

“You are a naughty girl,” Kylo purrs, landing a strike half on my bottom and half on my inner thigh. I can’t help but groan my approval as he gets closer to where I really want it. This doesn’t feel like punishment anymore. Lust builds hot and low in my belly, simmering as Kylo swats even closer to my aching center. The vibration makes my legs shake and I squirm as I feel wetness leaking from between my inner lips.

 

“Please,” I whimper. I hide my face in the bedding as I tears track down my cheeks. I’ve never been so aroused in my life, and it makes me feel wanton. I want to feel him smack my pussy, and then I want him to fill it. “Kylo, please - I _need_ —“ I don’t know what exactly but I just desperately want. 

 

“I’ve got you, sweet girl,” Kylo coos. I feel the barest touch against my core and shift my legs further apart, granting better access. I’m all but doing the splits and baring my weight on my chest. Kylo leans over my back, lips ghosting over my temple as his gently taps a big hand over the length of my slit. I utter a low moan, shoving my face into the sheets. He increases the pressure and my clit throbs, needing more. My channel clenches down around nothing, and I sob.

 

“More Kylo, please,” I beg weakly. 

 

“Fuck,” he whispers sharply. He pulls off me and slaps his hand on my heated, soaked folds. I gasp and rear up, pleasure blooming from where his palm connects with my flesh and tingling outward. I rock my hips into his hand as he does it again. The pain is so acute but the pleasure overrides it, making me whimper and tremble. I never imagined my first time beginning quite like _this_. It’s unbelievable and so incredibly hot, debauched. My skin flushes and sweat beads my hairline. It’s so intense, so _much_ , that I’m crying as he rains down blows on my pussy until I’m panting and thrusting into each strike.

 

“Enough,” Kylo says after a while. He loves away from the bed and I slump down, skin burning with pain and pleasure. When Kylo crawls beside me, he’s naked and stroking himself. I’ve never seen a penis before in real life, and my eyes bug out in surprise. How will it fit inside of me?

 

“Are you sure this will work?” I ask, first stirrings of anxiety in my belly.

 

Kylo just smirks at me, stroking a hand over my cheek. “You’re the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen, Rey, I don’t know how long I can last.”

 

“I don’t care,” I reply, scooting against him. “I just want to feel you inside of me.” We share a long look before his lips crush down on mine. Smoothly, he turns me on my back and givers over me. I lift my legs to hook around his lower back, and feel him nudging my entrance with the engorged length of his member. He keeps kissing me as he begins to push in, and I keep still as his cock stretches me. Kylo breathes hard, pulling away from my lips with a little whine, resting his forehead against mine. It burns, but not like I was lead to believe, and soon gives way to a warm stretching feeling that has my eyes fluttering shut with how good it feels.

 

“You ok?” Kylo asks, voice rough like he is struggling for control.

 

“Better than ok,” I reply, running my hands over the muscular plains of his back and shoulders. He shivers, hips jerking into me, and gasps. It feels so good - so right - for him to be buried inside of me, filling every inch and stroking every nerve. He shifts experimentally and I moan his name out, pleading.

 

“You feel too good,” Kylo whispers. The intensity in his dark gaze is unmistakable, and I cup his cheek as he begins a slow, steady rhythm. Each thrust seems to stoke the fire building inside of me. It’s stronger, hotter, than anything I’ve felt before. I can’t help but cling to him as he grows bolder, stroking harder, grunting in my ear as he fucks me.

 

“This is crazy,” Kylo murmurs. “How can anything feel this good?” I don’t answer, as my peak is rapidly approaching and I can barely think straight. A few more brutal thrusts has me crying out, tears leaking from the corner of my eyes and sliding down my temples to my hair as I combust around him. My body shudders and my walls constrict around his cock, and it feels so good to have him inside of me while I come apart that I can’t believe I waited so long to try it. 

 

Hazy and lust-mad, I think that maybe I was just waiting for _him_. 

 

Kylo pulls out as soon as my body calms and I feel him spurting jolts of hot spend over my belly, moaning my name breathlessly. I pant as he collapses beside me, his own chest heaving. I can’t believe it - I’m not a virgin, God didn’t strike me down, and it was the most perfect moment I could have imagined. Kylo hops up to find a towel to clean me off, then drags a blanket over both of us. I curl up into his arms, content and satisfied, and smile as I drift lazily into sleep.

 

——

 

The next day, bright sunlight fills the studio and I wake to the slam of a door. Kylo flinches up beside me, alert and covering me better with the blanket. I blink blearily as he jumps out of bed.

 

“Are you kidding me, Kylo?” 

 

“Bazine,” he says, and I jolt upright in surprise, “what are you doing here?” He tugs on his briefs and the woman glares at him. 

 

“We had an appointment. I was so looking forward to it after you disappeared last night, but I see now.” Her voice is venom and she’s dressed in a dark wrap dress under a fur coat. Obviously, gorgeous too - the type of woman that Kylo probably usually dates and.. works with.

 

“I’m sorry, Baz. I’ll refund you and we can schedule sometime later. On the house, of course,” Kylo says, slipping into his businessman role so seamlessly that it makes my stomach turn. My face is beat red with embarrassment and shame - this woman probably thinks I’m some kind of floozy, a hookup, and that she’ll get her own turn next.

 

Disgust makes my skin crawl. He walks her back up front, I hear his voice in a soothing tone, and quickly find my clothes and get dressed.

 

The magic of last night evaporates like smoke. I let myself forget what Kylo does for a living - I let myself get caught up in the lust and - and the stupid notion that maybe we could _love_ each other. But we can’t, not when he does _this_ for a living. I swipe tears away as quickly as they fall and slip into my heels, still wobbly, as Kylo comes back.

 

“I’m so sorry, Rey - Baz has been a good customer for a long time - why are you dressed?” It takes him a moment to notice I’m crying, too. “Hey, what’s the matter?”

 

“I should go,” I insist, pushing him away as he tries to catch my arm. “I don’t want to interfere with your work and - this was obviously a mistake. So I should go.”

 

“Rey, wait —“

 

“It’s ok. It’s my fault,” I say, shaking my head with a sniffle. “I don’t know _why_ but I forgot. I forgot that I’m not the only one, and - and I felt special.” 

 

“You _are_ special, Rey. Please, let’s just talk about this.” His dark eyes are begging, but I feel too ashamed, too hurt, and I shake my head. 

 

“I have to go. Goodbye, Kylo.” I sweep through the door and make it all the way outside before I crumple, deep sobs wrenched from my chest as I stagger to the bus stop in my formal dress, my hair a tangled mess, in the shoes I can’t even walk in. It feels like I’ve been pretending this whole time, swept up in his mystery and good looks. 

 

I was playing with fire - and of course, I got burnt. I never knew that heartbreak would feel so much like a physical wound - my heart pangs with each beat, breaking in time with my pulse. I don’t know how people can recover from a hurt this deep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the lovely [Riri](https://twitter.com/riri19911/status/1085172273932390400?s=21) We have some beautiful art by the talented [@lauvamp_](https://twitter.com/lauvamp_)!!!
> 
>  
> 
> Follow the links because I can’t upload the pic from mobile atm. Nsfw & sexy as heck!

[](https://i.imgur.com/pXDsktu.jpg)

XIII.

 

“Do you have any idea how unprofessional that was?” Phases snaps, striding into my office. I groan and scrub my hand over my face in annoyance. The last thing I need is _her_ harping on me. My chest heaves with a sigh as I settle to glare at her. As usual, she looks the part of a dominatrix. Platinum blonde hair shirt on the sides but long and subtly wavy on top, wearing a tight pencil skirt and structured black blouse with a hint of cleavage and spiked red heels that make her even taller. She’s so accustomed to intimidating everyone that she forgets that it doesn’t work on me. Her icy blue eyes narrow when I roll my eyes.

 

“It’s not a joke, Kylo. Bazine Netal is one of our best customers. She and her husband always donate handsomely at our events.” Phasma leans over my desk, blood red nails manicure into sharp points drumming on the wood. “You can’t just blow off customers because you’ve found a new plaything.”

 

“She’s not a play thing. I didn’t intend to blow anyone off.” I truly, honestly forgot. So wrapped up in Rey and how she makes me feel. How _good_ I feel when I’m with her. It’s stupid, irresponsible, but that’s the only explanation I can come up with. I’ve fallen for her, hard. The fact that she’s left my office in tears makes my chest hurt. I have to figure out how to fix it.

 

“I don’t care _what_ she is to you. Kylo, you’ve been distracted for weeks now! I haven’t said anything because I _assumed_ you could handle yourself. But obviously, that’s not the case.” Phases crosses her arms over her chest and paces. “Obviously, Bazine will get a refund for her time wasted and her next appointment will be on _you._ I’ve checked your schedule for the rest of the day, and you have a one o’clock so I’d _suggest_ you get your shit together and be ready.” Her tone tells me it’s less of a suggestion and more of a command. I sigh again but nod.

 

“I will be prepared,” I grouse while she scowls. With a snort, she sweeps out of the office and slams the door behind her.

 

I know Phasma is right. This is my work, my job, my livelihood. I should be focused on taking care of my clients, building up the reputation of the club, raising money... It’s just hard to think of anything but the gorgeous woman that has snared my heart and soul. Especially now, knowing that I’ve hurt her.

 

I find my phone and try to call, but it rings twice before cutting off. _Fine_ , I think with irritation. She doesn’t want to _talk._ I send her a text instead.

 

**Ben**  
_Rey, I’m so sorry. Please, I need to talk to you. Call me or text me back, as soon as you can._

 

I sit back and stare at my phone, waiting for a reply. Five minutes tick by without response. Sighing, I push away from my desk and stalk across the room. I tear sheets off the bed and bag them for the laundry service to pick up. I try not to think about Rey bent over the edge, ass wiggling as I spanked her. I could tell she wanted it between her legs, that her sweet little cunt was dripping for it. For _me_. 

 

Everything about last night feels like a dream. How she responded to me, how tight and slick her pussy was. I could barely keep from losing myself inside her the first couple of thrusts. It was like my first time all over again, only much better. The fact that she gave herself to me leaves me breathless and aching all over again, twitching in my pants and desperate to repair what’s gone wrong between us.

 

I’m weak, so I check my phone again. She’s replied to me.

 

**Rey**  
_I’m sorry Kylo. I don’t think this can work. I can’t share you with anyone else, but I can’t ask you to quit your job for me. I don’t know how this can go on._

 

My heart shatters. It’s hard to breathe. My vision goes black and I’m breathing hard, dropping to sit on the edge of my chest. A creeping hot and cold flush skitters down my spine as my stomach clenches with knots.

 

_”I’ll make it so that you’ll be useless for everyone else, Ben. No one will have you or want you as I do, Ben... I will ruin your life and bring you **down**.” _

The voice that haunts my dreams and my weakest moments echoes in my brain. Fucking Snoke. I can almost feel his weathered old hands on me, sliding over my shoulders and chest as his warm breath hisses in my ear. He was right, in the end. I’m incapable of normal, functioning relationships. My job is too much for the one woman I’ve taken a chance with, a job that I created to combat the wildly out of control feeling I was plagued with before. 

Memories flood back. Hands unfastening my pants, wrinkled and wrapping around my dick. Being bent over the armchair in his office, staring at the photographs of his wife and kids as he rained blows down on my backside, careless of the intensity or how I tried to scream. The degrading things he made me do, that I _let_ him do because... because... 

Because I was a kid. And I was terrified. I didn’t know what it meant, what he was doing to me. He said that I was gay, but I’m not even bi - he said that he would hurt my mother, that he could damage her career if I told. That he could spin it around so that I was the bad guy. 

I take the glass paperweight off my desk, hand shaking, and shatter it into a million pieces against the wall. I roar in fury, in sadness and regret, as I grip the sides of one bookshelf and rip it off the wall. Wood creaks and splinters, pages tearing from the books. I’m panting, frantic, doing whatever I can to get the images and voices out of my head. 

I shiver with disgust and crumple forward until I’m a ball of the floor. It wasn’t enough that he ruined my childhood. He had to fuck up the rest of it, as well. 

_——_

“Rey? You okay?” 

Finn’s voice through the bathroom door startled me out of my thoughts. I set my cell down and swipe at my eyes. My heart hurts, deep and with each throb, reminding me of what a stupid, ignorant mess I am. 

I lost my virginity to Kylo Ren - or Ben Solo. It should’ve been the biggest red flag, the fact that I didn’t even know his _name_. I let him sweep me up in all this romantic crap - like I was really Cinderella, going to some fancy ball with Prince Charming. I laugh bitterly as fresh tears stream down my face. 

“I’m fine,” I mutter, loud enough for Finn to hear. The doorframe creaks as he leans against it. 

“Peanut, I can tell you’re crying. Come on, open up.” Finn knows me too well. I sigh and reach to unlock the door knob and he pushes it open. His kind face gives me a knowing grin and he steps inside the small bathroom to hug me. “I don’t know what’s going on but I’m here for you.” 

“Oh Finn,” I sigh shakily. “I’m just... I’m so stupid sometimes.” I push a comb through my damp hair. I had cried the entire duration of my shower, remembering the feel of Kylo inside of me, how good it felt to be filled to the brim with his hard length. Instead of feeling better, it made my aroused. 

“We all are. But can you be more specific?” He cracks a grin and I can’t help but return it. I’ve forgotten in this whole mess that Finn is my _friend_ even before we got involved with the Resistance. 

“I thought I met a guy but...” I shrug, unwilling to go into more detail. How can I explain that the guy is an enemy to the Resistance? Everything they’re fighting against? And even though my mind has changed about some things - maybe a lot of things - I feel like Kylo has betrayed me. And I don’t want to betray my friends. 

And even though our wants don’t really line up, Kylo did open my eyes to things. How can I stay part of the Resistance when I’m questioning everything they stay for? 

“Guys are dumb. Dating is dumb,” Finn sighs. “I thought I met someone too. But their... beliefs, I guess, are getting in the way of what I thought we both wanted.” His jaw clenched tightly and I gasp. 

“You didn’t tell me you were seeing someone!” I say, lightly smacking his chest in shock. 

“Neither did you,” he points out. 

“Too bad you’re like a brother to me. We could solve a lot of problems if only we could fall in love.” I giggle at the uncomfortable look that passes over Finn’s face. 

“No offense, but you’re not really my type.” 

I think of Kylo’s muscular, tall frame. Those deep, endless eyes and wavy dark hair. His pale, mole-dotted skin and - I shiver - his thick manhood that felt so amazing inside of me. I smile up at Finn, nodding my understanding. “I totally understand.” 

“We both have work soon, so let’s just... get through the shift, then we can come home and eat ice cream,” Finn suggests. “John Hughes marathon, okay?” 

It sounds much better than ok. I hug my friend, sighing into his tight embrace. They say that time will heal anything, but I’m certain that cookie dough and Pretty in Pink definitely help, too. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry guys, Kylo & Rey will be reunited next chapter!!
> 
>  
> 
> As always THANK YOU to my lovely beta Riri for being so helpful and having the best suggestions.

XIV.

 

I grind my teeth as Finn and I wait in Poe’s expensive living room. Everything is perfectly in place, dust free and clean enough to believe no one actually lived there. Poe paces between the entertainment center and the coffee table while Finn and I exchange worried looks.

 

“He should be here any minute,” Poe mutters and I raise my eyebrows. He’s being so weird - he didn’t give much information over the phone when he invited Finn and I over, only that it was very important and to dress nice. 

 

“Who is?” Finn asks. I can tell he’s trying to be casual but failing miserably. His dark eyes follow Poe as he paces back and forth. 

 

“Our benefactor,” Poe snaps, and I feel Finn shift beside me, looking nervous. Should I be nervous? This is the guy that wanted to tear Kylo and his business apart, after all. My stomach flip flops and I reach for my tea to take a sip. 

 

I don’t know _how_ to feel about everything. Honestly, I want the best for Kylo. He’s a sweet guy, a good person underneath e everything. Even _if_ he broke my heart, he didn’t do it on purpose. I don’t want to ruin his life, even. A few weeks have given me clarity on that, but little else. I pretended to still be spying to get Poe off my back, but instead spent time at church, praying about the whole situation.

 

Yes, I was gutted. Yes, I ached for his touch, the memory of his soft lips ghosting over every inch of my body. Some days, it’s all I can do but keep my feet planted instead of running to the First Order building to apologize and beg his forgiveness. I can picture him at his desk, all dark and sexy, and my whole body throbs with approval at the notion, no matter where I am or what I’m doing. 

 

His memory is haunting me. I can’t get those dark eyes out of my mind. I can’t keep my hands out of my panties at night, alone in my little bed, with nothing to do but cry and think about him. How soft his lips are, how big his hands are, what it felt like to have both in my most intimate places.

 

No matter how I try, I can’t stop thinking of Kylo, even though I’ve pretty much recommitted myself to the Resistance. My heart isn’t in it, it’s not the same as before. I’m not as passionate about issues as the rest of them are. I was never as _into_ it as Jess and Poe, but it feels as if I’m disconnected from the rest of them.

 

Fortunately, Finn has my back. We both seem to be struggling with our loyalty to the Resistance, and Poe - he’s beginning to give me the creeps, and I can feel Finn’s irritation rolling off him in waves. I put my hand on top of his, hoping to calm him down. He shoots me a grateful smile. 

 

“What’s that?” Poe asks, pausing mid-step and glaring at us. “Something going on I should know about?”

 

“That’s none of _your_ business,” Finn snaps, though he withdraws his hand quickly like I’ve burned him. I roll my eyes.

 

Poe is about to say something when his intercom buzzes, notifying him of his special guest’s arrival. The butterflies return to my belly and I don’t know whether to sit up straight or shrink back nervously.

 

Poe rushes over and presses the button to unlock his building’s door. I smooth a hand over my chestnut locks and bite my lip, and we all wait anxiously until there’s a knock on the door. Poe takes a deep breath before swinging it open. A man in a dark suit with an ear piece looks in, nods at us, before another man - much older, bald with tough, wrinkled leather skin and an expensive jacket placed on his shoulders, stepped in.

 

“Mr Snoke,” Poe says, almost reverently. Something about the whole situation just makes me stomach churn. I follow Finn and stand up, coming to greet him and shake his hand.

 

So this is the mystery benefactor. He looks like an old grandpa, but a mean one. The kind that doesn’t give kids their balls back when they accidentally stray into his yard. I try not to react as his clammy hand clasps mine.

 

“You must be Rey,” he says in a deep, raspy voice. “How brave you are to risk your soul and eternal damnation to spread our message and bring down that den of sin.”

 

“Uh, yeah.” I bob my head yes uncertainly.

 

“I’m very curious to hear about it. Straight from the source.” He pats my hand before dropping it, and Poe directs him to the leather recliner. 

 

“Can I get you some tea?”

 

“No, I’m afraid I can’t stay long. I just wanted to officially meet Rey.” Snoke grins at me, perfect teeth that must be dentures, and I sit back down uneasily. Something is weird about him, I just can’t put my finger on it. 

 

“Oh,” Poe says, stiffening and glancing towards me. It beats me - this is his friend, his benefactor. I feel my smile go tense but it stays on my face. Years of being forced to “keep sweet” makes me a professional at smiling through my discomfort.

 

“What would you like to know?” I ask politely.

 

Snoke’s gaze narrows in on me. It feels like he’s sizing me up. “I figured they’d find someone prettier. How did you manage to catch Kylo Ren’s eye?”

 

“I was... sort of rude to him. We were protesting,” I reply with a blush. My heart aches slightly at the memory - embarrassed and nostalgic. It seems like years ago, but it’s been barely over a month. It all happened so fast, but felt so intense and exciting. I let myself get swept up in Kylo and his world, what _felt_ good.

 

“Ah. A challenge. I understand.” A gruff chuckle from him and I nodded. “I bet you drive him crazy, keeping just out of reach.”

 

“I suppose,” I say. I glance at Finn, who is studying the man and I intently. Does he feel how weird this is? Or is it just me?

 

“He’s tried to seduce you, I’m sure. But you must remain chaste, Rey. Your virginity is the best present you can give your future husband.” Snoke glances towards Poe with a knowing grin, and I want to protest but keep my mouth shut. I’m definitely not marrying Poe - and I’m worth more than my hymen. I’m fuming inside but the flush in my cheeks makes him think I’m embarrassed. “I only want to make sure you keep the mission in mind, dear. That he hasn’t corrupted you.”

 

“Of course,” I murmur. 

 

“He can be very convincing. And he’s so handsome,” Snoke says. It’s like he’s trying to get me to admit to something, to catch me in a lie or have me mess up. I curl my hands into fists but otherwise don’t react.

 

“He’s been a perfect gentlemen. We talk a lot about consent and how important it is to him, actually.” Snoke’s eyebrows raise a fraction, and I press on. “How do you know Kylo, by the way? Poe never said, nor why you’re so interested in him and his business.” I tack on a bright grin, so he doesn’t sense my suspicion. 

 

“I knew Kylo before he started going by that ridiculous name. I worked with his mother, until she turned so liberal. Such a shame.” Snoke sighs dramatically, and glances at his watch. “Ah, my time is up. I have dinner with a senator tonight. Talking about those bill proposals we spoke about,” Snoke says to Poe, who grins at him, charm turned up to ten. He turns his beady gaze back to me. “I expect some good information from you, Rey. Make sure I’m not wasting my money on something useless. I want to bring him and his company to the ground, young lady.” I feel a shiver down my spine and nod woodenly.

 

“It was a pleasure, sir,” Poe stammers, Following Snoke as he rises and trudges to the door. I glance at Finn, who looks as bewildered as I feel. Like the Spanish Inquisition just swept through the apartment, and my fate has yet to be decided. As Poe and Snoke say farewell, I lean closer to my roommate.

 

“Was that just me, or...?”

 

“No, Peanut. That dude was shady as heck.” Finn frowns, dark eyes narrowed. “I don’t like him - or this. He’s got a hold on Poe, and I don’t know what it is.”

 

“Money?” I whisper. 

 

“Maybe. But I’ll get to the bottom of it. _You_ just watch your back.” He pats my shoulder comfortingly, and I nod. Something is rotten here - the whole evening has brought more questions than answers. My phone burns a hole in my pocket - I yearn to text Kylo for answers.

 

I have to be strong. I can’t give in. I cling to my resolve even if it doesn’t feel right.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always a big thank you to Riri for inspiring and being so patient with me 💖

All it took was some quick Googling and I had the physical address of the Resistance headquarters. They offered services every Sunday morning and a Wednesday evenings - I had to wonder how much was actual religious sentiment and how much was recruitment. Young women like Rey, looking to feel apart of something, somewhere to fit in, be accepted. It makes my heart ache as I think about her. 

 

Young, misguided. But so passionate. So sweet. 

 

I’m content to sit outside, idling from the lot across the street. Watching her come and go, who she comes and goes with. I recognize their charismatic leader, Poe Dameron, from his Twitter account, where he loudly protests the very existence of “sexual deviants” such as myself. The guy _must_ have some skeletons hidden deep in his closet to be so absolutely opposed to anything outside of a heterosexual marriage. 

 

Rey always looks good. No more jeans or party gowns - back to her plain denim skirts that hit conservatively at the knee or below, button-up blouses that hide all of her delectable, silky skin. Nearly a month without her and the scent and taste of her comes back as if it were only yesterday that we fucked. I think about her constantly - even when I’m with clients, which is a huge no-no in the industry. I’m supposed to compartmentalize all of this, leave my life outside of First Order at the door. 

 

But I can’t get her out of my mind. 

 

One sunny Sunday morning, I act.

 

Without even thinking it through, careless of consequence, I wait until the service has started and slip through the glass doors of the storefront. The lobby is empty, but I can hear Poe through the sound system. I crack open the set of wooden double doors and find a small (the Facebook page dubbed it _intimate_ ) congregation gathered under fluorescent lights on old, worn linoleum tile. Rey is in the last row - I would recognize the braid anywhere.

 

Poe walks around the back of the chairs. I watch him touch her shoulder, but can’t see her reaction. What the hell os this? She dumps me for _him_? I toss the thought away without a second thought. Rey didn’t dump me for Poe. Logically, I know this - but the image of him touching her makes me see red for a few moments.

 

Rey is mine. I wait until Pastor Poe has his back to the doors and make my move.

 

“Pssst,” I whisper. It’s stupid but the only thing I can think of in the moment. She stiffens, head tilting just a bit like a dog that’s not quite sure it’s heard something. “Pssst.”

 

She twists slightly and I lift a hand. Rey’s hazel eyes go wide before she whips back forward. I watch through the cracked door as she fidgets for a moment before I see her fists clench at her sides. Rey excuses herself quietly before swiftly rising and stalking towards me.

 

The absolute fury on her flushed, freckled cheeks makes me take several steps back. Rey slips through the door and shuts it firmly behind her. 

 

“Kylo. What are you doing here?” she whispers, voice filled with notes of irritation I’d never heard from her before. There’s a lot of venom in her tone.

 

“I was thinking of joining,” I joke weakly. Rey’s brow scrunches further into a frown. I sigh. “I needed to see you. You haven’t been answering my calls or texts. I was worried.”

 

Rey crosses her arms over her chest. “So you just thought you’d breeze in here and potentially out me to all of my friends?” She punches the bridge of her nose and makes a frustrated sound. “Kylo, we broke up. You can’t just barge into my life like this, like - like -“

 

Approaching footsteps cut her off. I tense up the closer they get to the door. Rey curses under her breath and shoves me across lobby, opening and nearly throwing me into the tiny bathroom. She follows me in and shuts the door, twisting the handle lock and hitting the light switch.

 

“Rey? Everything ok?” A soft, feminine voice comes through the door.

 

“Yeah just um, stomach issues.” Rey twists her hands in front of her nervously. I wish I could reach out and still them, but I get the impression that she does not want me to touch her. No matter how strange and _wrong_ it feels to keep my hands off her. Rey is mine - she’s the only girl that has ever made me feel like this. 

 

Like I’m the happiest man earth and simultaneously going to vomit from anxiety.

 

“Oh, you poor thing. Take your time.” The voice is caring and Rey winces, guilt-ridden look on her pretty face.

 

“Thanks Rose.” We both listen as the footsteps recede, the set of doors clicks. Then she whirls on me, jabbing her pointy little finger into my chest. “You can’t just come here! You could _ruin_ everything!”

 

“Like what? Your reputation? You have feelings for that jackass?” I snap. Her jaw drops open. “Why do you care so much about what they think of you, Rey? You’re _amazing_ , you shouldn’t have to work so hard and keep secrets for them to like you.” I cup her cheeks and Rey sighs, sagging slightly against the locked door. She struggles for something to say - I can see the emotions filter over her face as tears shimmer in her eyes.

 

“They’re all I have, Kylo. You don’t understand. The Resistance is the only family I’ve got.” She peers up at me sadly. I want to hold her.

 

“No,” I say quickly. “That’s not true. You have me.”

 

Rey gasps quietly and glances up so our gazes finally meet. Her eyes search mine, and I tug her closer. “What about your - your work?” she asks as my fingers trail up her spine. 

 

“We will figure it out,” I tell her, determined. There has to be a compromise - or I can sell my share and move on to something else. As long as I have _her._

 

When she doesn’t respond, I lean forward and finally capture her lips in a soft kiss. It’s not nearly enough but it’s soothing to my broken heart to feel her warm and solid beneath me. Rey pulls back, hands sliding up my chest and pushing gently.

 

“We can’t,” she whispers, blushing my favorite shade of pink.

 

“Why, Rey? We have something here, something special - you can’t just throw it away -“

 

“No I mean - we’re in the bathroom.” She gestures to the bright, tiny room and it makes me pause. “Anyone could come out and hear us, or catch us.”

 

I feel my dick twitch to life at her words and smirk. “I can be quick and quiet if you can.” I dip down and kiss the shell of her ear, down the slender column of her throat. I feel her pulse thudding under my lips and hum pleasantly into her skin. She smells as amazing as ever, warm and sweet, and I begin to deftly unbutton her yellow blouse. My palm is cupping her breast and the uncertain expression on her adorable face wavers. I thumb the peak of her puckered nipple and she makes a strangled noise as her thighs shift together under her ugly skirt.

 

“Ben!” she hisses, as I kiss my way to her breasts and pull down her bra. I ignore her as I suckle; Rey threads her fingers into my messy hair and alternately pulls me closer while trying to push me away. I don’t have long to linger, so I open the fly of her skirt and shove my hand into her panties. 

 

For a moment, my brain goes still and quiet. I cup her mound, slit leaking her sweet essence. Her most private place and I’m the first person ever allowed entry. _Perhaps_ , I think wishfully as I split her open with a gently probing thumb, _the only._

 

Rey makes a pathetic, needy whine that spurs me on. I find her clit and circle gently while pushing a finger inside. Just as perfectly snug as I remember. I press a second digit on as she claps a hand over her mouth to cut off a moan.

 

“Be good, Rey,” I warn her playfully.

 

“Yes sir,” she replies, rolling her eyes. The words do something to me - instantly I’m shifting into Dom Kylo, yanking my hand from her underwear and spinning her slightly to lean on the mounted sink. Rey muffles her whimper as I push down between her shoulder blades, bending her, pushing her skirt up. I trace the elastic of her panties, so close to where she really wants me but not close enough.

 

“You want it, little one?” I drawl in a whisper, grinding the tented front of my jeans against her no-frills cotton panties. Still, they were on _her_ , so my brain naturally found them incredibly erotic. 

 

“Kylo,” she whines. She doesn’t want to say it.

 

“Tell me what you want,” I instruct her firmly, but patiently. I knead her full ass and guide her hips just right over my dick, so that it feels good but not enough to orgasm. Tease her, until she’s begging for my cock. I need to hear her say it.

 

“You,” she whispers in defeat. “I know I shouldn’t - I shouldn’t want you but I do.” Rey shakes her head and I feel my chest clench at her admission. “Please Kylo - Ben - Please f-f-fuck me.” 

 

I swallow and push down all the emotions that swell up inside of me. Happiness and hope, fear and anxiety. I pull her facing me and kiss her hard, pouring everything into it. Rey holds me close as I hitch her up, pinning her with my hips against the wall. There’s not much room to maneuver so I just simply push her panties to the side and free my cock. I’m throbbing with need as I line us up - there’s no way I can last long, but we’re both frantic and desperate.

 

“That’s it,” Rey coos as I thrust in a couple inches, pulling back out just a bit before pushing back in. She sinks down on my wait until she’s basically skewered on me. I can feel every inch of her hot, tight channel as she clenches around me. “You feel so good,” she whispers like it’s a dirty secret. I grunt as I build a pace, focusing only on her, getting her off before myself. It feels so good, it’s very distracting. I circle her clit as she arches against me, making the cutest noises as her face flushed from exertion.

 

“Cum for me, Rey,” I whispered. It didn’t take but a few heart beats before she begins to flutter rhythmically around me, pulling the orgasm from me. I slam into her brutally as she climaxes, biting her lip to hold in her moans of pleasure, before the tension building just under my navel seems to snap. I jerk against her as warmth and tingles fill me, scalp prickling and toes curling. I whisper her name as my vision whites out.

 

We pant together for a moment before Rey is pushing me away to fix her clothes. She blushes deeply. “We shouldn’t have done that,” she says softly. 

 

“Please Rey - you can’t just shut me out,” I plead. I know I’m almost whining but I can’t help it. I need her. I want her. 

 

“We’ll talk. I promise. Just... not here.” She glances around the bathroom before cracking open the door to peek out. “I’ll go first. You _leave_ and I’ll call you. Tonight.” She perches on tiptoe to kiss my cheek before turning on her heel and leaving me. I right myself and meet my own gaze in the mirror. 

 

A phone call isn’t much. But it’s a start.


	16. Chapter 16

I clench and unclench my fists as i pace my bedroom floor. I don’t know what to wear - what does one wear to meet their ex not-boyfriend? All of my clothes feel frumpy and boring. I want to wear something that will remind him of what I’m capable of, how much he wants me. Because for some reason, Kylo  _ does _ . 

 

I still can’t believe his ambush at the Resistance. I smirk as I pull out a pair of loose fitting jeans and a dark green blouse that will bring out my eyes. Nothing is form fitting, nothing I own could be called seductive. Nonetheless, it’s what I have - I change quickly as i replay our earlier phone conversation in my head.

 

He had sounded so  _ sad _ . That was what struck me more than anything. I had never known Kylo to sound anything but fully in control, even when he broke his toaster - there was something playful about it. But his voice today made my heart ache, and I was helpless to do anything but agree to meet him. Maybe I’m stupid - gullible - but i can’t stand the idea of him hurting over  _ me _ .

 

I grab my purse and bid Finn farewell. He’s been weird lately, too. It seems like  _ everyone  _ is going through something right now.

 

The bus ride across town seems to take much longer than the last time. I twist my hands nervously in my lap and think about what I want to say to him. 

 

I’m  _ not _ comfortable with him meeting other women. I don’t want to share him - I know that this is his job, his livelihood, something he is incredibly talented at. But the thought of him helping other submissive women makes my stomach knot with anxiety and my hands itch to punch something. A reaction I’ve never had before. I don’t want him to see anyone else, but I’m also incapable of asking him to quit his job. Not just a job, a career, a lifestyle. I’m hardly worth giving up an empire he’s built on sin.

 

When i reach his house, I’m warm and slightly sweaty from the walk. I swipe a hand over my damp brow and reach to knock on his door. It takes only a second before he pulls it open and flashes me a nervous, crooked grin.

 

“Rey,” he says, and my heart seizes up in my chest. Will he ever cease to be so devastatingly handsome?  I don’t think I’ll ever grow accustomed to those dark eyes gazing down at me, his mess of dark curls, how tall and broad he is. He steps back to allow me entry and I cross the threshold - no looking back now. I let him lead me through the living room, which has new bookshelves, through the spotless kitchen and into the backyard. The Falcon is still waiting for me, and a pang of guilt shoots through me as I think about how  _ badly _ I’ve upheld my end of the bargain.

 

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Kylo says. We sit on the edge of the back deck facing the yard. I don’t know what to do with my hand so I fold them in my lap and swallow down my nerves. “I know - I know I shouldn’t have come to the Resistance, but I couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry.” 

 

“It’s okay,” I reply, smiling at the memory. It was bad - everything about Kylo makes me feel alive and electric, no matter how much trouble he could get me into. Is that the attraction for me? Doing something forbidden? Feeling naughty? But as I gaze at his handsome face, I know that’s not true. I have real feelings for the real Kylo -  _ Ben -  _ the man behind the dominant personality. I shake my head. “I’m just glad no one needed to use the restroom while we occupied it.” 

 

Kylo winces and nods. “I - I meant what I said. I’ll quit the First Order, Rey. I’ll sell my share. Whatever it is you want me to do. I just - I want to be with  _ you _ .” I gasp at his words, the emotions behind him. He is passionate if nothing else. “I have - a lot of things in my past, that I’m not proud of. I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of,” he adds. “But none of it matters when I’m with you. You make me want to be a better person, Rey.” 

 

I take his much larger hand in mine, lace our fingers together. “I know, Kylo. I want to be with you too. But… I can’t ask you to quit the First Order. It’s not fair.” 

 

“I don’t care about fair,” Kylo quickly retorts. “I can do something else. I’ve wanted to write a book about dominance and submission for a while, and…” 

 

“What if in a year, or five years, or  _ ten _ … What if sometime down the line you start to hate me because I made you change your life?” I feel the tears pricking the back of my eyes and resist the urge to roll them at house emotional I’ve become. Kylo studies me for a long moment, squeezing my hand, and stands up.

 

“I want to show you something, Rey.” He sound solemn as he leaves me on the deck and crosses the yard to the Falcon. He pops open the trunk and I watch, curious, as he rummages around and takes out a box. It’s bigger than a shoebox but not that large overall. He carries it over and sets it down between us on the steps. I can feel that this is important, that this  _ means  _ something to Kylo, and i give him my undivided attention as he lifts the lid off. Inside, I spot red silk and polaroid pictures. Kylo takes a shuddery breath as he lifts the fabric out, pooling it in his lap, and then the pictures.

 

“What is all of this?” 

 

“When i was a teeanger,” Kylo starts in a thin voice, sounding far away instead of right beside me, “my mom had a campaign donor that took an interest in me. He wanted to take me under his wing, show me the way. Have me follow in his footsteps,” Kylo adds bitterly. He laughs, but it sounds hollow, humorless. “My mom thought this was a great idea. I was - you know, a typical teenage boy. Mad at the world, filled with rage. I guess it was just hormones or puberty or something, but I was pissed off at everything. Filled with it.” 

 

I remember a few of my foster brothers that could be described the same way. I nod, waiting for him to go on.

 

“This guy though, he didn’t  _ just  _ want me to follow in his political footsteps. He wanted something more from me, something…  _ wrong _ . Something you don’t do to a kid.” Kylo sniffs and hands me the stack of polaroid pictures. 

 

The first one on top is of Kylo. He looks young - maybe fourteen or fifteen - with short hair that does nothing to hide his big ears. He’s half-smiling, still so handsome. I smile and flip to the next picture. He’s flexing for the camera with an unsure smile, his dark eyes looking away from the camera as though he’s embarrassed. A pit forms in my stomach as I flip to the next one - he’s in a pair of boxers, shirtless and pale. I swallow against the lump that’s forming in the back of my throat, unsure if i want to continue looking.

 

“He said that if I told anyone, he would end my mother’s career. That it would be all my fault,” Kylo murmurs. I hand him the pictures back as I connect the dots. Kylo was  _ hurt  _ by this man, whoever he was. I swallow bile that burns up my throat. I can’t fight the tears that start to roll down my freckled cheeks. I want to punch someone, whoever it is that hurt my Kylo. My hands twitch to reach for him, but I sense that there’s more than he wants to say so I patiently wait. “He - he  _ raped  _ me. I’m not gay - not even a little - but I let this man do things to me so that my mother would be successful. I mean, would anyone have believed me, anyway?” 

 

“Kylo,” I whisper, my heart breaking for him.

 

“I found out about dominance and submission from him and after he got  _ bored  _ with me, I started doing some exploration of my own. I linked up with Phasma, and we both wanted to create a safe space for people to indulge in their fantasies. I needed the control, Rey - I needed the power that submissives handed over to me. It made me feel… calm. Like the storm in my head had finally quieted down.” 

 

“I’m so sorry,” I tell him. Kylo smiles ruefully.

 

“He made me do so much  _ fucked up shit _ . I can’t - he gave me this dress after he dumped me. And I cried, because - well, if he didn’t want me, then who would? After what he did to me?” Kylo sniffles and balls up the red silk in his hands. He shakes his head. “He used to make me wear this,” he adds quietly. “When he would…” 

 

I slide the box off my lap and quickly crawl into his lap. I can’t stand to see him or hear him hurting like this. “Kylo, baby,” I whisper into his soft hair. I pull back and cup his cheeks with a sad smile. “You are the  _ strongest  _ person I know. Anyone that wouldn’t want you because of what that  _ monster  _ did to you isn’t worth your time. You are one of the most kind, wonderful people I’ve ever met. You’ve done so much for me. Please, I can’t stand to see you like this.” 

 

His arms wrap around me, and he holds me tight. I want to kiss every inch of him, erase the damage that man has done. Instead, I squeeze him back as tight as I can, feeling the hard muscles of his back under my hands. Not for the first time, I think that I love him. He’s a broken man, deep down. I hadn’t realized that when we first met, not until recently. It’s not my job to put him back together, no matter how badly I want to. He has to do that himself. But I can be there to help pick up the pieces when he needs me to.

 

“I can see why you would want control - why the First Order is so important to you,” I mumble into his neck. He smells so good - my body is practically singing from being so close with him. He strokes my hair and makes a noise of agreement. “And I understand if you want to keep working there… I just don’t know how to get a handle on my jealousy.”

 

“It’s not fair to ask you to do that,” Kylo says. He pulls back to gaze at me. “I can’t handle the thought of someone even checking you out without wanting to punch a wall, Rey - I couldn’t ask you to put up with me working with other submissives. If - if we’re going to do this, I’ll figure something out. But I’ll stop seeing subs today if that’s what it takes to keep you with me.” 

 

I nod, almost feeling shocked. “Okay, Kylo. If you’re sure it’s okay.” 

 

“You want to be with me for real? Long term, just us, monogamous?” Kylo asks. I roll my eyes and nod. Of course I do. He hugs me tight and I sink into his embrace, feeling warm and content for the first time in weeks. His lips ghost over my hair and I press my cheek into his chest. It doesn’t solve everything, but it’s a start in the right direction. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible TW: vaginal smacking

When I pull back to gaze at Ben, both of us with tears drying on our cheeks, I knew I had to tell him the truth. He had laid it all on the line for me - it was time to reveal what I had been hiding as well. All of it. Infiltrating the Resistance,  _ why  _ they were so intent on bringing him down, Snoke and everything. My heart beat fast than a hummingbird’s wings as I sat back. 

 

I nervously wring my hands together. “I have something to tell you, too.” My stomach churns and twists into knots as Ben takes my hands in his. They’re warm and so big, and his eyes so soft. I pray that he won’t hate me after I tell him. I hope he forgives me. But if we’re going to make a real go of this, he deserves to hear the truth. 

 

“When I came to the First Order that day… the first day,” I say, remembering it like it was just yesterday. How scared and nervous I had been. How  _ handsome  _ he was, completely collected and confident and in control. Insisting I come back later, that I wasn’t ready. He knew exactly what he was doing. Challenging my submission. Making sure I  _ really  _ wanted it _.  _ “I was sent by the Resistance to keep tabs. They wanted me to use you for information. To bring the Order down from the inside.” 

 

I couldn’t meet his gaze but heard him inhale sharply. 

 

“Rey…”

 

“I was so - I just wanted to contribute and I thought I was doing the right thing. But Poe - Poe has this big donor the whole time -“

 

“How much of it was a lie?” Ben asks in a careful voice. It’s his Kylo voice. Controlled and strong, but restraining something dark and wild. I shiver as I look up to him.

 

“None of it! From the first time we -“ I blush to the roots of my hair at the memory. “I wanted you. I wanted to know you better. I was scared of your reputation and what it would mean for me, if it meant I was going to hell! But I wanted you regardless.” I sniffle, the tears starting again. I hate that he’s hurt - that  _ I  _ hurt him. I hate that there’s nothing I can do to fix it except be honest and hope he understands. 

 

“I think we should go to my bedroom,” Ben says slowly. 

 

My eyes bug out in surprise. “Right now? Ben, I’m trying to tell you something  _ serious. _ ”

 

“I think it deserves punishment.” 

 

Something delicious and warm pools between my legs and I swallow a needy whimper. “Ben, we don’t have to - we should talk about this.”

 

“I don’t want to talk anymore. Are you sorry?” he asks, cupping my chin.

 

“Of course,” I reply quickly, nodding. “But in a way I’m not. It lead me to you. To  _ this.”  _

 

Something flashes in his eyes before his mouth descends upon mine. I squirm, desperate for some friction, as his long fingers dug into my skin. He was rough, too much pressure bruising against my mouth, but it felt so good. It felt right. I surrendered to him, going loose and lax and letting his tongue plunge in against mine.

 

“Bedroom,” he rasps, pulling back. 

 

I scramble to obey, and he’s only a step behind me as we stumble up the stairs. I’m vaguely aware of his bedroom - masculine and dark, big four poster bed - before I stand perfectly still, awaiting further instruction. 

 

“Undress.” 

 

I shed my clothing - so carefully chosen - as fast as possible. I don’t feel self-conscious as his gaze sweeps over me, head to toe, drinking in my nudity in a way that makes me feel wanted and desired and a pinch terrified. 

 

“I’m going to restrain you. Face down.” He smiles secretively and I gasp. What does he have planned? He nods to the bed and I hurry into it, positioning myself flat on my belly. His hands are gentle as he pulls restraints out from under the mattress, fastening them around each limb to hold me in place. I tug experimentally - I’m not going anywhere. I turn my head to rest my face against the soft sheets and he looks amused. 

 

“Comfortable, little one?” Ben asks. I’m getting whiplash from his unpredictable demeanor. One moment he’s strict and rigid and now he’s calling me pet names and grinning. 

 

“I’m good, sir.” I tug again and smile. It feels like ages since we’ve done anything like this and to my delight I find I’ve missed it. 

 

“I’m going to spank you, Rey. Then I’m going to fuck you.” He smooths a hand down the back of my thigh and I shiver. “I think ten counts for lying to me is very generous, don’t you?”

 

My whole body clenches in anticipation. “Yes, sir.”

 

The first smack comes before I’m ready but I gasp out, “One!” My ass cheek feels red and hot as the second blow comes on the opposite side. “Two!” I wince and my legs tremble as he slaps me again, harder than he ever has before. I can feel his anger, his hurt, his betrayal. “Four,” I count. Tears gather at the corner of my eyes. I deserve this punishment. I deserve worse for what I’ve done to him. “Five!” The top of my thigh this time and it stings. Even so, my pussy clamps down on air and I wiggle my ass, inviting more. “Six!” Tears fall freely. I arch up as the seventh slap lands on my burning flesh. I wonder if he’ll leave marks. It makes my heart beat harder at the idea. Wearing the marks of his punishment excites me. Seven and eight make me squeak and cry out. “Please,” I whine. 

 

“Please what, baby? What?” He’s teasing me. Taunting me. It makes me wet and desperate. I love that he can do this to me. Reduce me to nothing but feeling. 

 

“I don’t know,” I moan. I arch up, offering my ass, trying to spread my thighs apart. He smacks the inside of my thigh, close to where I need him. I’m practically sobbing as I choke out, “nine!” It feels so good. He palms my went cunt, pressing down hard. I rock against his hand and he chuckles.

 

“You’re taking your punishment so well, Rey. Such a good girl for me now.” And then he slaps me, lighter than before but right on my clit and the pressure makes me go cross eyed. It’s almost enough, I’m so close -

 

“Again, please!” I beg. “I’ll be so good. I swear to god please, please -“

 

Ben does it. Over and over until I’m coming, pussy clenching and wetness seeping down my thighs. I groan and bite the sheet and I’m crying with relief. 

 

Ben is behind me in an instant, I can feel he’s just opened his jeans and pulled his cock out. The rough material chafes my sore ass as he pushes in. He curses as he sinks deep inside of me. It feels so good - the burning stretch, his breath on the back of my neck. I hold still as he starts a punishing rhythm, fucking me hard and fast, hold my hips for leverage.

 

“Fuck Rey - you feel so fucking good -“ his fingers are tight on my skin, digging in. I moan and he answer with a delicious growl. I’m sweating and tingling through my whole body. I feel disconnected, almost. Filled up with pleasure like I’ve never known as Ben looses himself inside of me. It doesn’t take long before his hips stutter and he buries himself as far inside of me as he can. I can feel his cum, hot and do deep. 

 

Ben collapses beside me and curls around my damp skin. He touches me. Kisses me. Everywhere. I feel his love in every touch, every brush of his lips. It made me shiver. When he finally released me from the bonds, I wrapped my arms around his neck. 

 

“I’m going to tell Poe I can’t do this anymore.” I stroke his hair and can feel his seed leaking out of me. I like the sensation.

 

“Good. I’m going to sell my share to Phasma.” Ben nuzzles my cheek and I want to protest. I don’t want him to quit but I can’t be with him while he’s working there. 

 

“Poe can just tell Snoke to go -  _ fuck himself. _ ” 

 

Ben goes stiff against me. “What did you say?”

 

“That Poe could tell Snoke to go -“

 

“Snoke, Snoke - how the fuck do you know Snoke?” Ben was jumping out of the bed and tugging his pants on and I watched in confusion. 

 

“Poe’s big benefactor,” I reply, frowning. “What are you…”

 

“The man? The man that molested me - that was Snoke. He set me up, after all these fucking years he’s still-“ Ben releases me from the restraints before rushing out of the room. 

 

My stomach bottoms out. The man who hurt Ben was funding the Resistance. He was  _ still  _ trying to hurt him. I had to do something. Even if I wasn’t sure what just yet. 


End file.
